Jill's Mysterious King Ranch Chicken

You can also call this Polly's Chicken Tacos cuz she from Mississippi where they don't know nothing 'bout no King Ranch. Or tacos for that matter. Basically, this recipe is the best thing my mother gave me. Besides the cankles. And a history of mental illness.

This recipe is mysterious because everyone claims it can't be made by anyone but me. They further claim that I am witholding secrets so that they cannot make it and therefore I keep all the glory of my signature dish. That is ridiculous, obviously, because I get all my glory from makeup application (my true gift from God above), so suck it bitches!


You know I will try to give y'all some exact measure-y type equivalents and what not, but I don't roll like that, so be cool.

1 whole chicken or 3-4 boneless/skinless chicken breasts - if you are hardcore and you loves the flavor flav, you'll do a whole chicken, but sometimes that is just too much work.

3 cans chicken broth - I use the fat free b/c I am skinny like that and this is a super lowfat recipe that is only 475.5 WW points per serving. You can also use reconstituted bouillon in a pinch.

1 bag tortilla chips - The really hard cheap kind work best. I know this because my dad only let's me buy the really hard cheap kind. Single tear.

1 block Velveeta - Even my PSD (pathological saving disorder) dad doesn't make me use off-brand Velveeta because it is from the Devil.

2 small cans chopped green chiles

1 medium onion, chopped

1 pint half & half - I told you this was lowfat.

1 can Rotel, blended - You can use a jar of salsa, as well.

Chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, onion powder, bay leaves


Braise the chicken or breasts in the broth. This will take about 30 minutes for breasts and at least an hour for the whole chicken. I add the bay leaves, garlic powder, and onion powder to the braising liquid. For those who don't know, braising is a fancy/classy way to say boil. No one wants to start their signature recipe saying, "so you boil you up a big ole chicken..." That's not classy, plain and simple.

Once the chicken is cooked, remove it from the liquid and let it cool. Then chop it up into bite-sized pieces. If you use the whole chicken, you'll need to skin and debone it as well. Hence the need to not use the whole chicken because it takes all damn day.

While the chicken is cooling, saute the onion in some Pam or olive oil with the green chiles. Do this a big boiler or stockpot because you are going to add all the other ingredients to this pot. Next, add the salsa/blended Rotel and chopped Velveeta to this pot and get it all melty. You may need to add a little of that braising liquid that you didn't already pour down the sink to get it good and melty. Then, take it off the heat and add in the chopped chicken and half & half. I know I left this crucial tip out when I originally gave out this recipe, causing several batches of King Ranch Chicken with Fresh Cottage Cheese to be created. Take it off the heat, my friends. Now, stir this all up and then taste. At this point, I will usually add cumin and chili powder to taste, as well as any additional salsa/Rotel to get the spiciness just right.

Dump the chips in a lasagne pan that has been sprayed down with Pam. Then, pour the cheese mixture over this. You can kinda do a layer-y number on this as well, if you like your King Ranch extra chippy, which I do. Cover with foil and bake at 425 for an hour. This part has some play in it, too, because some people like this dish runny and others do not. I usually check it after 45 minutes or an hour for consistency then add time on as needed. I finish it off with the foil off and about 5 minutes on broil.

You can also freeze this dish and bake it straight from the freezer, it just takes longer. Don't ask me how long, because you know I don't know. I just play it by ear, and by that I mean I was drunk and I don't remember.

Now with those crazy ass explicit directions, you better be able to cook this recipe so well that it would charm my mother out of an oxycontin. JJ - nothing would charm her out of one of those.


  1. This is funnier than Coolio! You kill me.

  2. I am totally going to have Ruby make this and if she can't then everyone will know that you are holding out!

    Oh wait, she can't. my oven is too small...can she half it? dang it!