Gonna make you sweat 'til you bleed. Is that dope enough? Indeed.

Bet y'all thought this blog was Dubai (remember: Dubai is Iphone for Dunzo - looks who's rich with an Iphone 3G - holla)! Oh hell to the no this blog is not Dubai. To prove it, I have a new post for yo a$$. And it's a list. And it's about running. Wait for it...

Here goes - my new top ten list of songs to listen to while I'm running. Yes, I'm "running" again. You may recall that I am about to be 40 (aka full-on Golden Girl old) so I figured I should starve myself and exercise until June so I don't scare all the people lucky enough to spend some time with me in a bathing suit. You're welcome, as always.

As you know, running sucks. Unless you're being chased. And it actually still sucks then, too, because who likes being chased? Especially if you just snatched a purse. Although I'm guessing if I ever snatch a purse, I'm going to do it really sneaky-like and then just walk off, acting real smooth. Watch out, Rach, cuz you know your purses are the ones I'm coming for first. Consider yourself warned.

Now my list, in backwards order, obvi, to build the suspense:

10) I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way by: Waylon
Explanation: this is good to get you started. It's kinda slow, like my running. I'm already in a bad mood obviously, because I am exercising, so I like to think that maybe Hank was as miserable as me. Wearing those rhinestone suits has to be as bad as the workout gear I got at Sam's Club, right?

9) I'm On a Boat by: Andy Samberg
Explanation: this song makes me happy. Because there's cussing. And it reminds me of being on a boat. In the Caribbean. Where God wants me to be. Instead of running on the streets of East Dallas at a ridiculously early hour. PS - I hate my life.

8) Needle and the Spoon by: Skynyrd
Explanation: this song rocks. And it makes me think about maybe taking up heroin as a weight loss alternative. But then I heard it makes you have a sugar Jones like nobody's business. And get zits. I'm f'ing 40 so I clearly cannot deal with zits.

7) Bulls on Parade by: Rage
Explanation: if you don't already have this song on your workout playlist, stop reading now and go get it. There's a lot of screaming and rage in this song (duh, they're raging against the machine) which goes perfectly with the rage I feel at having to exercise. Rally 'round the family, with a pocket full of shells. Who knows what that means? But I like it a LOT.

6) Love and Affection by: Nelson
Explanation: Nelson f'ing rules. Dubai.

5) Break Something by: Limp Bizkit
Explanation: 'member Fred Durst? 'member how he was always so mad cuz he was bald and Christina Aguilera claimed to be Durty but she still wouldn't do it with him due to his baldness? I can really relate to that anger. Because of my fatness. Plus, I really consider saying "first one to complain, leaves with a blood stain," at every business meeting I ever go to.

4) Cigarettes Will Kill You by: Ben Lee
Explanation: if you haven't heard this, give it whirl. This dude is from Australia, and I am generally not a fan of people from Australia, although I did love Muriel's Wedding, but that was really more because of Abba. But I digress. This dude used to date Claire Danes, so he's obviously pretty cool because Claire Danes pretend-dated Jared Leto on My So-Called Life and he rules. But really I like this song because it has cigarettes in the title. I like to picture myself smoking cigarettes while I'm running. You know, picturing your happy place and all makes you run faster, right?

3) Dancing Queen by: ABBA
Explanation: ABBA is by far the best band of all-time, and Dancing Queen is by far their best song. I once went on a family vacation where all we brought was a case of vodka, 2 cartons of smokes, and the ABBA Gold CD. True Story. Best vacation every, BTW. Oh and needless to say we brought Yahtzee. Yahtzee is to games as ABBA is to music. That's an analogy. Like on the SAT. Sorry I just made you learn.

2) Crazy in Love by: Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z
Explanation: when this song plays while I run I pretend all my flab jiggling is actually an on purpose shimmy like Beyonce. My flabs got my lookin' so crazy right now.

1) 99 Problems by: Jay-Z
Explanation: As if it's needed! I got 99 problems and running is #1. Seriously though, I like to think about all my problems while I am running and listening to this. I'm from the 'hood, stupid, what kinda facts are those? Seriously, I can run until I get to like my 3rd problem (old, flabby, possibly mentally ill) then I have to take a breather. Yes, I suck.

Hope this inspiring post inspires all of you to "hit the streets" as my Dad likes to say. Bastard.

Introducing the Jill-jito (Classy Lady RIP)

So I would never completely forsake the classy lady because: a) it is delish, b) it has Coke Z, and c) it has booze (I am not providing a link to this recipe - you know how I feel about laziness). But, I feel that each summer needs a signature drink, so VOILA!!! Along comes the Jill-jito!!! Enjoy my friends.

Ingredients:

Jill's special strawberry basil syrup - okay this isn't really my special syrup. I got the recipe from the WSJ (Remember my Dad? Those who love spreadsheets love the Journal). It was a recipe for homemade popsicles that SD demanded when he saw the picture (don't freak out, it wasn't one of those kooky pencil sketches they usually have, this was the Weekend Journal, aka the WSJ edition that is slightly more fun than colorectal surgery, unlike the weekday edition).

Here's what's in the syrup (Jill-modified)

1 lb strawberries
Juice of 1/2 a lime
2/3 cup sugar
10 basil leaves

Puree that up in the blender, and you've got some delish syrup.

Now, you pour about 2 ounces Cruzan dark rum in a Tervis tumbler (the official tumbler of the HFGBC if you didn't know)

Then, add a generous glunk of the syrup (yes, I measure in glunks, so no one can recreate my awesome recipes, right Rach?)

Then add ice

Then top it off with some handy club soda/Perrier/seltzer water

Enjoy, and you're welcome, Summer 2011.

Cause I told you once, now I told you twice, we gonna light it up like it's DYNAMITE!

Although there is absolutely no topping when my 3-year-old son told me, "mama, you smell like cocktails," I have a few additional, AWESOME, SD quotes to share. Please keep your applause to a minimum.


1) "Moms and dads should not commit an oak tree."

Context: SD and I listen to his kid bible stories CD every day as we go to/from school because I am an awesome mom and am super duper sacrificial and gave up my severe Kidd Kraddick addiction to help my son get his Jesus on. So, the CD has the ten commandments on it, and this is what SD heard. Get it? If not, you probably hate Jesus. PS - enjoy Hell, Jesus-hater.


2)"Mom, how am I supposed to light this club up without any music on?"

Context: as if this is needed...SD's current favorite song is "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz (you may recall the above-mentioned Kidd Kraddick addiction I have subjected my son to for 4 years now). Well, he's in bed the other night and calls for me. I go into his room and his is sitting up in bed with a flashing red disco light (not sure where this came from) and he asks me to turn some music on in his room. When I say no, it's too late, go to sleep, he responds as above. Genius. My kid is an f'ing genius. BTW, he refers to that song as "San Diego" as in "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, San Diego, San Diego!" Did I mention that he's a genius??

They Try to Make Me Go to Rehab, and I Said YES YES YES (please).

Okay, so anyone who knows me at all (and all 6 readers of this sweet blog do), knows that I have two main aspirations in life: 1) to go to rehab and 2) to be in a mental institution. These are actually interchangeable, as I think if I got to do one, I wouldn't need to do the other, but I reserve the right to change that sentiment afterwards, depending on the sheer awesomeness of the experience. Here's my brillz logic: rehab/time in a mental institution is like an f'ing paid vacation. Seriously, and law dawgs out there correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they can't even fire you for going to either because you are "sick" and need "help." Now, I'm not mocking the people who are actually crazy (you may recall my mother) or alcoholics/drug addicts (lucky!), I'm just thinking I could use a day or two (or month) off right about now. Now, do not put me in some kind of tough love joint either - I am not going to rehab to learn how to scrub toilets, thank you very much, and I certainly don't cotton to hiking or other "relaxing" activities like yoga either (please). My rehab needs to be something like this: lay around all day, smoking cigarettes and watching my stories, kind of like the mental institution that Winona Ryder went to in Girl, Interrupted. F'ing lucky a$$ girl, interrupted if you ask me. I wouldn't even mind being surrounded by crazies who taunted me for my beauty or sanity or other nonsense. You may recall I went to a full-on ghetto high school, so a few anorexic crazy girls don't scare me none, and guns aren't allowed in rehab, so problem solved. I would even be more than happy to go to "group" and talk about my feelings. Seriously, have I had a feeling that I DIDN'T share? Clearly not an issue. And remember that rehab movie with Sandra Bullock where they did a hilarious play to celebrate one chick getting released from rehab? Doing plays for no reason is obviously awesome and not something you can do when you are at work all day. Now I know you naysayers are out there naysaying something like, "there is no perfect rehab that you speak of, and aren't you actually describing a spa?" To that I retort, "duh, you can't take sick days to go to a spa, hello?" I might even become a confidante to one Miss Lindsay Lohan and I would advise her to live the rest of her life on the full-on opposite tip, as in do the OPPOSITE of whatever you think you should do, because your ideas obviously suck. She'd probably win an Oscar.

You're welcome, Lindsay Lohan. See you at Promises!!

Delish Coconut Chicken Tenders

I know this sounds crazy, but these were so awesome!!!!

1 package boneless chicken, but into tenders
1 can coconut milk
2 cups Panko bread crumbs
2 Tbs flour
salt and pepper

Marinate chicken in coconut milk for an hour in a ziploc back in the refridgerator. Preheat oven to 400. Mix panko, flour, salt and pepper. Coat your chicken in the dry mixture and place on a greased cookie sheet. I added another sprinkle of salt.

Bake 20 minutes or until cooked through.

So easy and so yummy!!!

Egg Cassarole Recipe

This is from my cousin in Tennessee. This was so delicious, you know I had 3 helpings!!!

Words With Friends: avoid booze and drugs if you plan on winning that sh*t.

Okay so as most everyone who knows me knows, I have an old-ass sh*tty free phone that don't have no internets on it. Unfortch, this is actually an "upgrade" phone that my Dad let me spend a whole 20 dollars on the last time AT&T said I could upgrade. Seriously though, it was a huge improvement from what Diggs so lovingly LOVES to refer to as my "Zak Morris-style brick phone." Note I spelled Zach with just a "k" - keepin' it classy is my middle name. So back to the phone, one day recently, I woke up and all the bitches I know have rich Iphones (this means all you bitches on this blog with me). Apparently, on the Iphone, or maybe also on rich Blackberries or even Androids for all I know, you can play a Facebook game called, "Words With Friends." This is just like Scrabble, but you use your radical-ass Iphone with its magic keys and whatnot, then your friend shoots a word back at you. So, being a hardcore brillz wordsmith like I am, I assumed I would rock that sh*t up and down the coast when I borrowed a friend's Iphone and started playing. Of course, it took a full hour of Iphone tutoring to even begin to handle that thing, but afterwards I was ready to play. This game is BULLSH*T. Seriously. It's all about "strategy" and not, apparently, about making awesome (read: dirty/hilarious) words. And, to add insult to injury (I have no idea what that actually means, but have always wanted to say it), it automatically looks up every word and won't let you play a word that doesn't exist (just try "sugarsexy" and you'll know I'm right). The crazy thing about the look-up function is that it says that words like "aa" are actual words. Really? On f'ing Mars? Needless to say, I possibly got the lowest ever score in the history of the game, and I assume all the little-ass kids I see with rich phones are playing it, so that's extra bad.

Moral of the story: I hate you people with your rich Iphones and game strategies, and you can take your Words With Friends and shove it.

Now, I'll busy myself by scrolling through the contacts on my phone so it looks like I have internets.

Silver lining: my Dad says I might be able to get a phone with internets if I switch to pay-as-you-go. Seriously. Boost Mobile in the HOUSE! I saw some pretty sweet phones at 7-11, so I am pumped!

Chicken pot pie

HFGBC is slacking lately at posting.  We've been busy having fun!  Some pics will be posted soon.  In the meantime, someone asked me awhile back for my chicken pot pie recipe.  You can find it here.