I don't think you're ready for this jelly...

So, when I had already avoided work long enough with facebook and blogstalking, I decided it was time to write up another hilarious blog post, but I couldn't decide what to write about. Then, SHAZAAM! It hit me! What do I love moaning and groaning about more than my Dad's love of spreadsheets and hunger? The awesome hideousness that is my body. And so, since I'm into lists all Letterman-style, my top 3 list of sh*t I hate about my body was born.

1) Ass Bangs – if you are Asian, feel free to skip ahead to the next item on the list, as your people were born with glorious thick hair on your heads, and no hair anywhere else. PS – I hate you damn hairless Asians! I, however, come from some white trash sharecropper stock straight outta Mississippi, and being of this questionable ethnic pedigree, I am hairy like a straight-up monkey. Now, twenty years ago, this item would not have existed, as ladies were allowed to just let nature run its own show downstairs and dudes just had to deal. But nowadays, since we have to take care of our ladybusiness all Swank magazine-style (read: nearly/completely bare down there) ass bangs were born. Not sure what an ass bang is? Fade in: you just shaved/waxed your business but accidentally maybe on purpose due to it being a harrowing task didn’t put your big ole bootie up to look at it in a mirror to determine that yes indeedy there is hair back there. Guess what? You’ve got ass bangs. Could explain why that super cute dude you did it with all carefree and Carrie Bradshaw-style didn't call the next day, or ever. This could be a bonafide PSA for those of you who have remained blissfully unaware of all that goes on back there, but I assure you if you haven’t taken care of that business, you got yourself some ass bangs. You’re welcome.

2) Stache/lady beard – self-explanatory. And for those of you who are not Asian but are sitting there thinking innocently, “I don’t have a stache,” think again. After doing God only knows how many people’s makeup over the years (you may recall my God-given skillz), I can testify that almost EVERYONE has some amount of stache that needs to be taken care of with waxing, laser, electrolysis, etc. If you still don’t believe me, look closer. And closer still. Boom! Told ya you had a stache!

3) Cankles – as I have expressed before, I come by these babies honest. My crazy mom has cankles. My beloved sociopathic grandmother (RIP) had cankles. And I’m pretty sure my share-croppin’ great grandmother had her some sweet share-croppincankles. All you can do is try to minimize the appearance of these using techniques akin to those I use in my special ass camo. See my previous post if you don’t remember. I would provide a link, but that would just encourage you to be lazy. Other options for subterfuge include, but are not limited to: giant wedge heels (so high that maybe if you are running across the street drunk off jello shots pushing a stroller you may fall down and break your toe in such a hideous fashion that the memory of said toe “haunts my dreams,” according to one former child model who shall remain nameless); wide leg pants, so wide in fact that you could be accused of wearing palazzo pants; and ridiculously bright, dark, or glittery toenail polish (the theory here is that if the passerby is mesmerized by your toenails, he’ll hardly have time to look at your cankles); and last but certainly not least; long-ass prairie skirts that make me look like a Pentecostal or possibly a Mennonite (but a Pentecostal/Mennonite with small, delicate (read: completely hidden) ankles).


Loco Locals

It is very easy to tell who is local in Singapore and who are Expats.

This is a local or as I like to call them LOCO LOCALS.  Seriously, this picture was taken at Universal Studios on a Sunday afternoon.  One would have to be crazy to walk around an amusement park all day in that get up.  I know most of you who read this blog have not been to Singapore but this is very typical dress no matter where you are or what you are doing...ie walking your dog, strolling the shops or markets, touring the zoo.  You get the picture.

1.  Keep in mind it is HOT all the time, yet she wears long pants AKA capris.
2.  Long perfectly groomed hair.  Seriously, why is it not in a pony!
3.  10 inch heels...did I mention this is at Universal Studios?  Lots of walking about outside in the sweltering heat.
4.  Pushing a double pram AKA stroller for you westerners, with a fashionable tote slung over her shoulder.  I forgot to mention that the pram has only 1 kid in it so there is LOTS of storage space for the tote but yet her outfit would not be complete if the bag were not on her shoulder.
5.  Her face is hidden as I am trying to protect her identity but she had full make up on.

Here is an Expat...

1.  ponytail...check
2.  tennis shoes for all the walking...check
3.  white t shirt with sleeves pushed up and shorts because it is super hot...check
4.  canvas tote...check
5.  big sun glasses to hide the fact there is not a drop of makeup on my face...check

I will say the local looks 100 times better but I survived the day in comfort.  Lets face it I did not go to Universal Studios to walk the runway.  I went to cart 3 kids around in the hot Singapore sun so we could check it off our list of things to do while in Singapore.

Maybe if I stay here long enough I will start strutting around in 5 inch heels and full make up on everyday...not likely but you never know.


Top Ten Sweet D Quotes of All Time

Okay, so I am not sure if David Letterman still does those top ten lists because I am in bed before he comes on because I am old and infirm. I do; however, remember laughing my a$$ off at those lists in the 80s. I even had a book with all the lists in them that I liked to read all the time to distract me from the horror that was my childhood. So, in honor of that, I present my very own top ten list of awesome sh*t Sweet D says. Keep in mind, I am his mother, so when he says, "I love you, mama," I pretty much lose my sh*t, but I am trying my best to give only the greatest hits, all objective-like.

Here goes:

10. "Wanna race? Never mind."

Context: anytime SD is riding his trike down the street and some other people (children or grown-ups) approach, he pedals really fast and screams this at them. Genius, obvi.

9. "She will look like a big ole oompa loompa if she wear flats all the time."

Context: he is quoting what I had just told my Dad after complaining about my feet hurting in heels. Loves how he quotes me all the time. Clearly, I love the sh*t I say best of all.

8. "I have two imagination friends. Their names are Flapjack and Skeleton."

Context: none. He just told me this out of the blue.

7. "This Daddy's song."

Context: upon hearing "Wichita Lineman" by Glen Campbell. Nice.

6. "Candy rains down from the sky. And who doesn't like candy??"

Context: SD said this all indignant-like when describing the homecoming parade. As in, what kind of an idiot wouldn't want to be where candy is raining down from the sky?? Duh.

5. "Hey mama, I just pooped on the porch."

Context: self-explanatory. He just decided to pull down his pants and poop on our back porch. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. And for those of you who don't know, we do have two working toilets - RICH!

4. "Oh nap! Got bump-it!"

Context: again quoting me, as we drove by Walgreens, where the day before he had heard me scream "oh snap, they got bump-its!" when I saw that Walgreens was now carrying the miracle hair accessory that was formerly only available on TV.

3. "I am thank you for my penis."

Context: on Thanksgiving, when we asked him to tell us what he is thankful for, this is what he came up with.

2. "Mama, I poop my mouf."

Context: he threw up in his bed, and having never thrown up before, he was just making his best guess as to what happened.

1. "Mama, you smell like cocktails."

Context: after hugging me on a Friday evening (aka happy hour goes all night), he said this. I have no words.