GRAND FINALE: Top 5 Things I LOVE About My Girl, Ivy (Fern, Bird, Iver)

So, I saved Ivy for last of course because she's my first best friend.  Yes, I have a ranked list of my best friends in order.  How else will I deal with it if one of them dies?  I won't tell any of you who is my second best friend, that way, you will all keep clamoring for that coveted spot.  Gifts are obviously welcome and encouraged.

Here goes:

1)  She gets my husband.  This is huge.  He's like an enigma wrapped inside a riddle that is then shrink-wrapped in cheapness and packaged assholery.  So, getting him is pretty much as hard as doing one of those Sodoku puzzles.  PS - I hate numbers.

2)  She unapologetically loves both teen heartthrobs and Kellie Raspberry.    The Twilight Saga is a MAJOR part of her life.  Like breathing or her kids.  And as for Raspberry, we talk about her like she's one of our friends.  Her struggles are our struggles.  Don't even get me started on that Freddie Poole mf'er.  Anyway, some people would call these things guilty pleasures, but Ivy don't have no guilt, cuz homey don't play that.  And I really respect that in a person.

3)  She has mad skillz on the dance floor, but will still take time to do the Coca-Cola with me.  I never look right on the dance floor (think fat guy in a little coat routine).  But, when I am Coca-Cola-ing with tall, gorgeous Ivy, I can forget that, if only for that one brief shining moment during The Remix to Ignition.  And it's glorious.

4)  Her tan.  'Nuff said.

5)  When the sh*t in my life gets real, like I may end up like my Mom real, she's the one I know I can go to - no matter what.  Everyone needs a someone like that, and she's my someone.  So hands off b*tches.

So Ivy, I salute you in the words we used so often when we first met (and should really work on bringing back cuz they're bad a$$):

Fly on, Albatross!!

XOXOXO, lady!


Top 5 Things I LOVE about my gurl, DARA

Bam!  You thought it was over, but you know I like to be real tricky, and what's more tricky than waiting 6 or so months between blog posts that are supposed to be a 7-part series?  Nothing, that's what.

PS - I've been super busy going on fab vacays and working out, so have a heart.

Here goes:

1)  She's f'ing gorgeous.  Like a model.  And homey don't play no dogs.  Dubai.

2)  She is my biggest fan.  I'm super selfish, so I dig people that like to promote me to the Dallas community.  Particularly on the west side, because my fan-base is generally east-centric.  Gotsta diversify.

3)  She is not afraid to drive a dune buggy instead of car.  That's what makes her real.  Like J-Lo.  Except her a$$ is more toned.  From the Barre Method.  Whatever the hell that is.

4) She's super-wack-funky-crazy in love with her own husband. It's the sweetest thing ever. It's like Jay-Z and Beyonce except she's prettier than Beyonce. And Baby Blue Ivy ain't got nothin' on her babies. And by that I mean she is uglier than them. I'm sorry to be harsh to Beyonce, as I've actually never seen Baby Blue Ivy, but I know this to be true nonetheless, and I'm not doing Beyonce any favors by shielding her from this fact any longer.

5)  She is the best MOM ever.  I wish she was MY mom.  Her house is like Candyland/Astroworld combined, and her kids are super cute and sweet.  She makes it look easy and effortless, which I would generally consider to be rude, but when she does it you can tell it's just meant to be that way.  And who am I to argue with God?

Love 4-eva, DB!