Hello Super Scary Laser Face

That's what you all will be saying next time you see me. As you know, my reunion is two weeks away, so I went in yesterday to get some free off-brand botox. While there, my dermatologist, and by dermatologist I mean my friend's husband who will practice on my face for free, said "let's come in here and let me laser off all those age spots." ALL THOSE AGE SPOTS. You know I loves to get my tan on, so yes, I have a shitload of age spots. So, I get up in the chair and he pastes little deals over my eyes to prevent blindness, and then, it was all aboard the PAIN TRAIN. Seriously, I was crying, cringing, shaking, and smelling the delicioso scent of my own flesh/lady beard roasting. I tried to pretend like it was all coolio so I was talking and acting like I could have a regular conversation except crazy nonsensical words kept coming out of my mouth instead of actual words. I sounded kind of like a combination of rain man and my mom. Now, did I say that I did this on a work day right before I was to meet up for an important business lunch? Well, I did, so I showed up late to the Porch, which was full of beautiful people who don't appear to have jobs, looking toe up from the floe up. Nobody said anything, because that would be rude, but seriously, I got some looks. I hadn't even put on makeup yet because my face was still on fire. Today, I look like a full-on pasty-faced troll because I had to put on 15 coats of RICH NM makeup to cover up how my face is turning black and will soon fall off. Those f'ing plumbers and call center representatives at my reunion better be worth it!!