Ain't We Lucky We Got 'Em: Good Times

So a quick rundown on how I spent my Saturday in misery:

1) The Dallas Private School Preview
2) Shopping for outfits for my reunion

Now of course number one was pure torture and a great reminder why I don't belong in Dallas. It was pouring down rain,and we had to stand in lines waiting to get on little buses like refugees from a war, but in addition, I got the hear things like, "how many of your students end up in the Ivy League," from the parents of an 18-month-old child in a Burberry outfit. SICK!! Now you all know my Dad ain't paying for no private school, but I felt like I needed to do some serious due dilligence in case SD ever goes postal. You know, like if I'm testifying at the penalty portion of his trial, I want to be able to say, "well, I looked at some of the best schools in Texas, but unfortunately, I couldn't afford to send him to any of them, so that's why he is a homicidal maniac." Gotta cover the bases.

Of course, number two was by far more harrowing than number one. I went to Nordstrom and literally planned to spend whatever it takes to make myself look super awesome (read: 20 pounds lighter) for my reunion. We had the personal shopper and everything. Something that my Dad was extremely worried about and in fact told me, and I quote, "Personal shopper? I'm a personal shopper - here's a tube top and a sparkle skirt. Done." But I digress. The personal shopper was super sweet and didn't even vomit or ask me to leave when I told her my size, but literally, I could find absolutely NOTHING that didn't highlight the fact that my ass looks like the Mom from Good Times. Hence the title of this post. And don't even get me started on "Not Your Daughter's Jeans." They should rename those bitches "Not Your Daughter's Jeans unless your daughter is Florida Evans aka the Mom off Good Times and then yes they are in fact your daughter's jeans." Maybe it's a hair too long for a title of some pants.

Please wish me luck - I am off to Steinmart right now to buy some sick ass matte jersey separates and just accept the fact that I am going to look hideous (read: exactly like I actually look) at my reunion. At least I have a good job and a heroin chic husband. Oh and my off-brand botox/laser face and a shitload of rich makeup...silver lining!!

Yep, I found it, 80's picture

"80's Fabulousness"

Rachie, don't get mad. Let me say that Rachael is 4 months pregnant here (not that you can tell) and I am holding my new baby girl. You can't see Jill's sweet a** acid wash jeans she made for this even and you can barely make out Mishy's side pony. These girls were so awesome to do this party with me. We like to dress up extra classy.

Added the email option....

This is just a test for me.

10 Followers!

Wha What? Susie is the 10th follower, y'all.

I told her she had to read Jill's recent entry and she responded, "I love Jill. She is so creative."

I thought "crazy a** funny" was more like it!

xoxo

When is the next party at Susie's house?

I have a sickness...

According to my sister, I have way to much time on my hands.  The truth of the matter is I probably do.  But whatev!  With heroin chic#2 gone all the time as of late I have nothing but time to surf the internets and watch Slingbox into the wee hours of the morning.

And what I have discovered here in Singapore with all my free time is this piece of eye candy! 




Puck from Glee

 I am pretty sure he wants to be my boyfriend and play his guitar and sing songs to me.

I told you...I have a sickness.

Hello Super Scary Laser Face

That's what you all will be saying next time you see me. As you know, my reunion is two weeks away, so I went in yesterday to get some free off-brand botox. While there, my dermatologist, and by dermatologist I mean my friend's husband who will practice on my face for free, said "let's come in here and let me laser off all those age spots." ALL THOSE AGE SPOTS. You know I loves to get my tan on, so yes, I have a shitload of age spots. So, I get up in the chair and he pastes little deals over my eyes to prevent blindness, and then, it was all aboard the PAIN TRAIN. Seriously, I was crying, cringing, shaking, and smelling the delicioso scent of my own flesh/lady beard roasting. I tried to pretend like it was all coolio so I was talking and acting like I could have a regular conversation except crazy nonsensical words kept coming out of my mouth instead of actual words. I sounded kind of like a combination of rain man and my mom. Now, did I say that I did this on a work day right before I was to meet up for an important business lunch? Well, I did, so I showed up late to the Porch, which was full of beautiful people who don't appear to have jobs, looking toe up from the floe up. Nobody said anything, because that would be rude, but seriously, I got some looks. I hadn't even put on makeup yet because my face was still on fire. Today, I look like a full-on pasty-faced troll because I had to put on 15 coats of RICH NM makeup to cover up how my face is turning black and will soon fall off. Those f'ing plumbers and call center representatives at my reunion better be worth it!!

Jazz~y

Did you know he was born in Singapore and raised in Texas?
I thought you Jazz lovers needed a little pick me up on your Tuesday morning.
Cheers!

Don't be skaredddd

So the blog has been silent.  I keep checking back and nothing.  Crickets is all I hear.

What is up with that? 

I know~ no one wants to follow Jill and all her hilariousness.  Someone has to do it...don't be skareddd!

Fine, I'll go. 

So this morning, Ruby and I go to the grocery store after we drop the girls at school.  It's a pleasant Tuesday morning strolling down the aisles of the RIDICULOUSLY expensive store.  When Ruby says, "Ma'am, I need a new ironing board cover.  The one we have is brown."

***Now I am thinking in my head***  WTF...I have had that same ironing board and cover since I was first married. (13 years if you are keeping tally)  I have NEVER had to replace the cover.  It looked brand new when we shipped it over here.

Back to conversation with Ruby...

Me:  Brown, why is it brown?  Can't you wash it?
Ruby:  No. Ma'am. (she then proceeds to tell me why...)
Me:  OK.  Can you wait until mid October?
Ruby:  No problem, Ma'am.

I am pretty sure Ruby thinks I am an idiot.

So, in Singapore the ironing boards are not the same size as the US.  I did not have a PO for a brand new Singapore ironing board, so I am having to have my mom bring some ironing covers over when she comes in October.

I ask you ladies, how is that I can go my entire adult life not knowing you need to have replacement covers for your ironing board?  Is it reasonable to believe that you can go through a cover in 3 months?  I am so perplexed by this.  Granted she does use it almost everyday but still!  Have you had to replace yours?

How many covers should I request from my mom?  Can you tell that I will be thinking about this all day long?

Let me reiterate, I am pretty sure Ruby thinks I am an idiot.  I don't know about ironing boards and there are lots of other things as well that she has had to ask for...ie mashed potato masher...seriously, I ain't rich.  When Jill makes mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving at my house I am pretty sure she uses a fork...so now you can call me RICH because we have one now.  So, Jill, in 3 years when I am back on American soil for Thanksgiving I will have a masher for your delicious garlic mashed potatoes. And I will take an ice bomb as well.

What Ruby wants Ruby gets!

Rich Makeup and Cheap Hair Accessories: Jill's Special Ass Camo

So...went to the beauty event today at NM on my lunch break - HEAVEN!!! I know, I know, Neiman's is the definition of rich, but all bets are off when it comes to makeup. Remember, everything that I put on my face distracts people from looking at my ass, muffin top, and cottage cheese thighs. Earrings and random hair accessories work in the same way. This is why I often adopt a Punky Brewster-esque look in the later part of the week because my hair is super dirty and full of PSSSST, and I am retaining water so my pants are too tight, thus I am in need of some serious diversions. Solution: put a ton of crazy ass shit from Forever 21 in my hair. I mean, why wear just a headband when you could wear a headband, some diamond bobby pins, and a ponytail holder that looks like it is made out of real hair, and possibly a bumpit?? Who is going to look at my muffin top with all that going on upstairs? No need to thank me, ladies.

So back to NM, I got the totally perfect Kim Kardashian nude lip-look!!! This was right after I asked the guy, "do you have a totally perfect Kim Kardashian nude lip-look?" He did. The gloss is also favored by J-Lo, so score!!! I hardly even needed to wear pants at all today with my lips looking as fabulous as they do! Too bad I don't know how to work the internets, or I would be posting a sweet pick of them.

Stay tuned for my next ass camo post: why wedge heels and a giant bag are necessities in cankle subterfuge!!

Sweaty SMU Free Booze Tailgate

This is what you might look like after downing as many free beers as you can at a tailgate in 100 degree weather. Luckily this isn't a closeup because we are two nasty, but classy, sweaty girls.

Fish Tacos ain't that rich....

I made these last night and they were killer!!!!

Ingredients

Fish:
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
1/4 teaspoon salt
Freshly ground black pepper
1 pound white flaky fish fillet, like tilapia or halibut (I used Tilapia and it was $4.95 lb)
Chipotle cream:
1/2 cup plain nonfat yogurt
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 teaspoons chipotle pepper, in adobo sauce
8 (6-inch) corn tortillas
1 1/2 cups shredded green cabbage or lettuce
1/2 cup corn kernels (thawed if frozen)
1/4 cup fresh cilantro leaves
Lime wedges

Directions:
In a small bowl, whisk together the oil, lime juice, salt and pepper. Pour over the fish fillets and let marinate for 20 minutes. Put the yogurt into a strainer lined with apaper towel and place over a bowl to drain and thicken for 20 minutes.
Remove the fish from the marinade and grill on a preheated grill or nonstick grill pan over a medium-high heat until cooked thorough, about 3 minutes per side. Set the fish aside on a plate for 5 minutes.
In a small bowl combine the thickened yogurt, mayonnaise, and chipotle pepper.
Heat the tortillas on the grill or grill pan for 30 seconds on each side.
Flake the fish with a fork. Top each tortilla with 1 tablespoon of the chipotle cream. Top with fish, cabbage, corn and cilantro and serve with lime wedges.

You know we love to eat healthy stuff and these only took minutes to make. Eli and I both porked down on 4 tacos each because they were too delish.

Word of the Day

Cla$$y ~ use it throughout the day in written format as well as verbal

Public Service Announcement

Eclipse will be released on DVD December 4, 2010.
Just sayin is all...

HFGBC Dictionary aka Classy v. 1.0

I thought it might be helpful to post some definitions/explanations for our may HFGBCisms for our millions and millions of fans and followers. And by millions of followers I mean the one we have who is not us. So here's to you, Emily!

1) Classy - all HFGBC girls strive to be classy above all else. We do realize; however, that classy people never, ever say the word classy, and we say it pretty much every other word. Classy people don't buy "classy big pearls from Target." Classy people "try to make timeless choices." Nevertheless, for us, it's all about classy and it always will be.

2) My dad - my husband. This term is to be used especially when referring to your husband cheaping out on you. For example, "my dad said I couldn't put my necklaces in individual ziploc bags because that would mean we were made out of money." True story. Single tear.

3) Rich - everything cool and awesome that we like is rich. Anytime we don't have something we wish we did we say, "I'm sorry, I'm not rich." For example, when one of us showed up with a casserole covered with Press-n-Seal, we all said, "Press-n-seal, huh? Looks like somebody's rich." True story again. BTW, I got Press-n-Seal for my birthday one year. I think you've heard about my dad.

4) TOAL - my dad actually made this one up, but we all use it. It stands for "trip of a liftetime." We use it to refer to an exotic Caribbean vacay, or a weekend trip to a state park in Oklahoma.

5) Popozao - we LOVE Britney, and thus we also love K-Fed. So if it's good enough for K-Fed, it's good enough for us. POPOZAO!

I know we will be adding tons more of our awesome sayings to this dictionary, so keep your eyes open for frequent updates.

Jill's "Only Balls I Want in My Mouth Unless I'm Really Trashed or Maybe Want a New Dining Room Table from the Dump" Meatballs

This recipe is adapted from one I got from the Whole Foods website. Now, I know you are all saying, "wait a minute here, Jill claims she is not rich, yet she's been to Whole Foods, which is one of the richest places on earth." Slow down friends, I just printed a free recipe off the internets, then changed it all up to make it more delicious and less healthy. Sweet D loves this, and it is a good way to sneak some veggies into your kids. And by kids I mean husband.

I have to credit my dad for help with the title of this recipe. As you all know, my man is both dirty and shady, so of course when I said meatballs, you know where he took it.



Ingredients

1 lb ground beef - this is originally a Whole Foods recipe, so you know it calls for grass-fed, no hormone, no-antibiotic super beef. Since the bank turned me down for that all-important healthy beef loan I applied for, I used some 90/10 from the giant log I got at Sam's Club. Yes, you too can take care of all your fall fashion needs and buy jacked up hamburger meat in a giant log at Sam's Club. Membership has its privileges.

3/4 cup cooked quinoa - I know, it's so fancy! It is even pronounced kinda Frenchy-like "keen - wah." It is really just couscous that looks like tiny (somewhat creepy) little curls. I hear that it is super duper healthy and maybe was revered for its godlike properties by the ancient Mayans. Those Mayans!!

1/4 cup shredded carrot - I shredded this up really tiny and SD still was able to pull out a piece, wince, and scream, "what is this in my meatball??" My advice, maybe shred it, then chop it.

1/4 cup shredded zucchini - I shredded this into the most beautiful and perfectly thin circles of zucchini. See SD's reaction above. Again, shred then chop to trick those who would refuse to eat a meatball that is full of veggies.

2 T ketchup - loves. This is so my mother, I can hardly stand it. She always glazed her meatloaf with ketchup. Clearly, I learned classy from a master.

1 egg

2 T chopped fresh garlic - I like the kind that is already chopped up and is in a little jar that you keep in your fridge. I know I am sounding more and more rich as this recipe goes on. Don't hate.

1 T soy sauce - gotta keep it on the Asian tip at least a little in honor of our 1/2 Asian Bird that flew off to Singapore. Don't go chasing waterfalls, my friend.

1/2 t pepper - I didn't measure this, just grinded a whole bunch into the bowl.

1/2 t salt - I use coarse kosher. Shalom.

1/4 t dried oregano - I used fresh. Just kidding, who has fresh oregano?

1/4 t dried thyme


Directions

Preheat the oven to five hundo. So I am already loving this recipe when I read that because if I learned anything from my mother (besides how to act like an escaped lunatic from an insane asylum) it is that anything worth cooking is worth cooking fast, and at an extremely high temperature.

Line a large cookie sheet with foil, then spray it down with Pam. I know it is rich to waste foil like that, but it cuts down on dishes and I do it real sneaky-like when my dad is busy working on his fantasy football draft.

Dump all the ingredients in a big bowl and mix them all up. You gotta use your hands to do this and it is pretty sick, so just get ready. Next, form the mixture into small balls (heh heh). The geniuses over at Whole Foods say 16 balls but I made like 36, and they were still plenty big. Put them all on the cookie sheet and roast them until they are "golden brown" and cooked through for like 12-15 minutes. Mine came out just plain brown and not so much "golden brown" but I am okay with that. They are meatballs after all.

Serve hot. I tried to give them to SD without any pasta (b/c they are already full of starchy quinoa wonder food) but he was not having that. So I put them on a bed of whole wheat penne with some jar spaghetti sauce. They were delish!

The Moistest Chocolate Oatmeal Cake

This is delicious and so moist, hence the title.  You can even say it's healthy.  It does have oats in it.  Just don't look at the amount of butter or sugar you're adding in. ;)

1 ½ cup boiling water

1 cup oats           

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup white sugar

½ cup butter or margarine

1 ½ cup flour

1 tsp baking soda

½ tsp salt

1 tbl cocoa

2 eggs

1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided

½ cup pecan pieces

Pour 1-1/2 cup boiling water over 1 cup oats and let stand 10 minutes.

Add 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup white sugar and 1/2 cup margarine or butter (softened) to oats and beat well.

Add 1 1/2 cup flour, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1/2 tsp. salt and 1 Tbl. Cocoa.

Add 2 eggs and beat well.  Stir in 1/2 cup chocolate chips.

Pour into greased, floured 8 x 12 pan...sprinkle top with 1/2 cup chocolate chips and 1/2 cup pecan pieces.  Bake at 375 for 35 to 40 minutes.


I chop up my pecan pieces really fine in my mini processor.  I mean I put it on grind.  I don't really like to even know that there are pecans on top.


Enjoy!

Jill's Mysterious King Ranch Chicken

You can also call this Polly's Chicken Tacos cuz she from Mississippi where they don't know nothing 'bout no King Ranch. Or tacos for that matter. Basically, this recipe is the best thing my mother gave me. Besides the cankles. And a history of mental illness.

This recipe is mysterious because everyone claims it can't be made by anyone but me. They further claim that I am witholding secrets so that they cannot make it and therefore I keep all the glory of my signature dish. That is ridiculous, obviously, because I get all my glory from makeup application (my true gift from God above), so suck it bitches!

Ingredients:

You know I will try to give y'all some exact measure-y type equivalents and what not, but I don't roll like that, so be cool.

1 whole chicken or 3-4 boneless/skinless chicken breasts - if you are hardcore and you loves the flavor flav, you'll do a whole chicken, but sometimes that is just too much work.

3 cans chicken broth - I use the fat free b/c I am skinny like that and this is a super lowfat recipe that is only 475.5 WW points per serving. You can also use reconstituted bouillon in a pinch.

1 bag tortilla chips - The really hard cheap kind work best. I know this because my dad only let's me buy the really hard cheap kind. Single tear.

1 block Velveeta - Even my PSD (pathological saving disorder) dad doesn't make me use off-brand Velveeta because it is from the Devil.

2 small cans chopped green chiles

1 medium onion, chopped

1 pint half & half - I told you this was lowfat.

1 can Rotel, blended - You can use a jar of salsa, as well.

Chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, onion powder, bay leaves

Directions:

Braise the chicken or breasts in the broth. This will take about 30 minutes for breasts and at least an hour for the whole chicken. I add the bay leaves, garlic powder, and onion powder to the braising liquid. For those who don't know, braising is a fancy/classy way to say boil. No one wants to start their signature recipe saying, "so you boil you up a big ole chicken..." That's not classy, plain and simple.

Once the chicken is cooked, remove it from the liquid and let it cool. Then chop it up into bite-sized pieces. If you use the whole chicken, you'll need to skin and debone it as well. Hence the need to not use the whole chicken because it takes all damn day.

While the chicken is cooling, saute the onion in some Pam or olive oil with the green chiles. Do this a big boiler or stockpot because you are going to add all the other ingredients to this pot. Next, add the salsa/blended Rotel and chopped Velveeta to this pot and get it all melty. You may need to add a little of that braising liquid that you didn't already pour down the sink to get it good and melty. Then, take it off the heat and add in the chopped chicken and half & half. I know I left this crucial tip out when I originally gave out this recipe, causing several batches of King Ranch Chicken with Fresh Cottage Cheese to be created. Take it off the heat, my friends. Now, stir this all up and then taste. At this point, I will usually add cumin and chili powder to taste, as well as any additional salsa/Rotel to get the spiciness just right.

Dump the chips in a lasagne pan that has been sprayed down with Pam. Then, pour the cheese mixture over this. You can kinda do a layer-y number on this as well, if you like your King Ranch extra chippy, which I do. Cover with foil and bake at 425 for an hour. This part has some play in it, too, because some people like this dish runny and others do not. I usually check it after 45 minutes or an hour for consistency then add time on as needed. I finish it off with the foil off and about 5 minutes on broil.

You can also freeze this dish and bake it straight from the freezer, it just takes longer. Don't ask me how long, because you know I don't know. I just play it by ear, and by that I mean I was drunk and I don't remember.

Now with those crazy ass explicit directions, you better be able to cook this recipe so well that it would charm my mother out of an oxycontin. JJ - nothing would charm her out of one of those.

Straight Up Hotness

This was from my 30th party! I look like I just had a baby. Rachie had the best Madonna outfit! Looking for the group photo...

Belly Buster Cheese Dip

1/2 cup Robert Rothschild Southwest Dip - fancy dip that I'm pretty sure you can only find at Central Market or a good Tom Thumb
1 15 oz. can black beans, rinsed and drained
16 oz. Velveeta, cut into chunks
1 container Ready fresh Go pico de gallo - mild or hot
1 avacado, diced
4 oz. Heb Queso Fresco - crumbled

Combine sauce and beans in 8x8 casserole dish. Top with velveeta. Microwave for approx. 3 minutes or until cheese melts (aka, days - don't believe the 3 minutes unless you have a super powered industrial microwave). Stir together and top with pico, avacado, and queso fresco. Service with chips and a Classy Lady.

Finally!

I got nothing witty, funny, or sappy to say...just wanted to post on the blog and say love you girls and what a great idea this is!
oh and lets not forget I heart Edward. ~

ivy xx

Almost 200 hits!

Why are we so awesome? Almost 200 hits within the first 24 hours. Post away girls!
Jill, we will be needing some of your belly laugh anecdotes.

Jill's F'ing Good Drillteam Bake Sale Cupcakes

Sometimes in high school I would wake up for school and go "oh crap, Mom! I have to bring something for our Bandolera bake sale!" And by sometimes, I mean every Monday. So, we had to get pretty creative in our last minute 6:00 a.m. baking endeavors. Here is our best result.

Ingredients:

1 box yellow cake mix - you must use yellow, because you can really only taste the yellow-y goodness that way

1 bag Nestle Tollhouse semi-sweet chocolate chips - do not use off brand. You know my dad made me try it. Not cool. Don't use milk chocolate either. That's just being sweet-crazy.

A bunch of cinnamon sugar that you maybe made up a while ago to sprinkle on buttered hotdog buns out of the freezer when you "needed" something sweet but were too lazy to go to Wendy's and get that Frosty. Don't judge.

Whatever else it says you need on the cake mix box.


Melted butter. A lot. Like at least one whole stick.

Optional - any chopped nuts you may have in your freezer - pecans or walnuts would be especially good. You will never have nuts in it if you eat mine; however, because I do not have nuts in my freezer because I am not rich.

Directions:

Make up the cake mix like it says to do on the box, following the cupcake instructions. Then, stir in the whole bag of chocolate chips, as well as a healthy dump of the cinnamon sugar (I am guessing like 1/2 to 3/4 cup but you know I don't measure shit). Pour the batter in the little paper cupcake cups in a muffin tin. I like to use a small ladle sprayed down with Pam so they slide right on in. Then bake according to the package instructions. When they are done, quickly take them out and put them on some cooling racks, and by cooling racks I mean brown paper sacks from the grocery store. I believe I have already shared that I am not rich. You have to do this fast because you want them really hot for the extremely important butter/cinnamon step. Now, brush them all quickly with the melted butter and sprinkle them with a bunch of cinnamon sugar. If I have butter leftover, sometimes I do this step twice, because you don't get an ass like mine just eating one coating of melted butter.

Enjoy!!!

Hattie girl loves her new Grateful Dead t-shirt.

Crock Pot Pork Chops

- 4 boneless pork chops
- 1 package mushrooms diced
- 1 package dry onion soup mix
- 1/2 cup white wine (drink the rest of the bottle while cooking)
- 1 can cream of mushroom soup

Brown the pork chops and in olive oil and then place in the crock pot. Dump all the other ingredients in and cook on low for around 5 hours. I serve over rice or egg noodles.

Beyond easy and delish.

Last night we had a tornado come through town and B kept saying, "why is the tomato coming"? Love this little guy

Twilight Love

Yep, we have seen the movies and read the books. Some of us are obsessed and some of us hate it.

The Classy Lady aka Best Drink Ever

Our first recipe should be for a drink, of course!

The Classy Lady

1.5-2 ounces Cruzan Rum
Coke Z to the rim, or as high as you feel comfortable with depending on level of drunkeness
.5-1 ounce floater of Malibu, or if your dad cheaps out on you, Cruzan Coconut
Ice

Let's Party, classy ladies!

Classy stuff

I love the wine format, Mishy. We are so stinking classy it amazes me. Girls we will have an instructional night on the 30th (if needed) so we can make this the most awesome site ever!

Love you girls!!!