GRAND FINALE: Top 5 Things I LOVE About My Girl, Ivy (Fern, Bird, Iver)

So, I saved Ivy for last of course because she's my first best friend.  Yes, I have a ranked list of my best friends in order.  How else will I deal with it if one of them dies?  I won't tell any of you who is my second best friend, that way, you will all keep clamoring for that coveted spot.  Gifts are obviously welcome and encouraged.

Here goes:

1)  She gets my husband.  This is huge.  He's like an enigma wrapped inside a riddle that is then shrink-wrapped in cheapness and packaged assholery.  So, getting him is pretty much as hard as doing one of those Sodoku puzzles.  PS - I hate numbers.

2)  She unapologetically loves both teen heartthrobs and Kellie Raspberry.    The Twilight Saga is a MAJOR part of her life.  Like breathing or her kids.  And as for Raspberry, we talk about her like she's one of our friends.  Her struggles are our struggles.  Don't even get me started on that Freddie Poole mf'er.  Anyway, some people would call these things guilty pleasures, but Ivy don't have no guilt, cuz homey don't play that.  And I really respect that in a person.

3)  She has mad skillz on the dance floor, but will still take time to do the Coca-Cola with me.  I never look right on the dance floor (think fat guy in a little coat routine).  But, when I am Coca-Cola-ing with tall, gorgeous Ivy, I can forget that, if only for that one brief shining moment during The Remix to Ignition.  And it's glorious.

4)  Her tan.  'Nuff said.

5)  When the sh*t in my life gets real, like I may end up like my Mom real, she's the one I know I can go to - no matter what.  Everyone needs a someone like that, and she's my someone.  So hands off b*tches.

So Ivy, I salute you in the words we used so often when we first met (and should really work on bringing back cuz they're bad a$$):

Fly on, Albatross!!

XOXOXO, lady!


Top 5 Things I LOVE about my gurl, DARA

Bam!  You thought it was over, but you know I like to be real tricky, and what's more tricky than waiting 6 or so months between blog posts that are supposed to be a 7-part series?  Nothing, that's what.

PS - I've been super busy going on fab vacays and working out, so have a heart.

Here goes:

1)  She's f'ing gorgeous.  Like a model.  And homey don't play no dogs.  Dubai.

2)  She is my biggest fan.  I'm super selfish, so I dig people that like to promote me to the Dallas community.  Particularly on the west side, because my fan-base is generally east-centric.  Gotsta diversify.

3)  She is not afraid to drive a dune buggy instead of car.  That's what makes her real.  Like J-Lo.  Except her a$$ is more toned.  From the Barre Method.  Whatever the hell that is.

4) She's super-wack-funky-crazy in love with her own husband. It's the sweetest thing ever. It's like Jay-Z and Beyonce except she's prettier than Beyonce. And Baby Blue Ivy ain't got nothin' on her babies. And by that I mean she is uglier than them. I'm sorry to be harsh to Beyonce, as I've actually never seen Baby Blue Ivy, but I know this to be true nonetheless, and I'm not doing Beyonce any favors by shielding her from this fact any longer.

5)  She is the best MOM ever.  I wish she was MY mom.  Her house is like Candyland/Astroworld combined, and her kids are super cute and sweet.  She makes it look easy and effortless, which I would generally consider to be rude, but when she does it you can tell it's just meant to be that way.  And who am I to argue with God?

Love 4-eva, DB!


HFGBC honors Classy Jill

Our very own, Classy Jill, celebrated a very special birthday last month.  What better way to celebrate 40 years than to party on the beautiful island of Exuma in the Bahamas with our best friends!!  We started off our trip flying first class, duh we are classy, with Mr. Matthew McConaughey and his new bride, Camila.  He was so cool, he dressed way better than us and even signed my People magazine that they were on the cover of.  Oh wait, I'm totally lying about that last part because he was wearing sweat pants and he denied the flight attendant the autograph when she asked.  RUDE.   But, whatever, we proceeded to continue drinking and enjoy ourselves with the best flight attendant ever.  Thank you American for doing at least one thing right.  Our classy bunch goes straight for duty-free in Miami (as I now have the "Going to Miami" song stuck in my head all over again).  We all needed to stock up on perfume, yo.  Not really, but we did all and I mean all 14 (2 didn't come until Sunday) buy two bottles of liquor to take on the plane.  Classy!  That flight attendant sure wanted to come party with us!  And now we're finally in Exuma ready to party, hang on the beach, continue to get our drink on and celebrate Jill's birthday & surprises!

Day 1: Perfect weather, fun times at the beach, Nay Nay's punch is a hit, Eli attempts to swim to another island & the Cobb's arrive!
not quite...

talk about an entrance!

Surprise #1: Salli ordered custom Tervis Tumblers with photos and had everyone's name printed on them for Jill's birthday.  They are super cute & classy!

Surprise #2: All the girls got Jill Chanel sunglasses for her birthday!!

Day 2: It's Jill's BIRTHDAY!!
First boat day with a minor hiccup but there's always going to be some kind of boat inconvenience with our crowd!  Worked out for us as we got a pimp-er boat.

Surprise #3 (final surprise...all good things must come to an end): A video slideshow for Jill with photos AND rapping clips from all her favorites peeps!  Tears?!?  I brought tears to not only her eyes but Nathan's, too.  Damn, I am good!  That warms my heart. In all seriousness, seeing that made me cry again and I say again because I don't even know how many times I got teary eyed watching the video as I put it together.  I'm so glad they were both touched by it!

Day 3: Second boat day - rain. all. day. Slurracaine day 1, thank you, tropical storm Debby.  We stay inside and drink all day. 
Maybe go for a kayak in a light drizzle.

 Have a dance party and reenact scenes from Dirty Dancing...

Day 4: The Slurracaine died for the day, so we took our chances and went back out on the boats.  Choppy waters, bit of a breeze but we know how to bring a party to an island!

We ended the night with Fancy night.  Every trip to Exuma has Fancy night.  Don't all classy people have a "fancy night"?

Day 5: Slurracaine came back with a vengeance.  Debby was pissed off at someone!  Six of our friends flew home in the midst of that madness while we drank and played spades in our house with no power screaming at anyone that went near the fridge!  Finally, wearing our swimsuits all day paid off because the sun came out!  We made it to the beach!

Jill - we all know how hard you worked at planning this trip.  We thank you and Nathan for the time and effort you spent researching, planning, etc.  We love you and hope it was the best birthday ever!!

*I think next time we go on a trip we should up the bacon assumption.  We can surely find more ways to incorporate bacon into dishes.  Especially with all the pinning these days.

Love you


Top five things I LOVE about my girl, Laura

So, first off, I don't think Laura even reads this blog, so maybe someone email her the link.  I would do that myself, but as you can all guess, I don't really know how to email links.

Here goes:

1)  She will drive all the way from Ft. Worth to hang out with the whole bunch of Bs that we are, and I've never heard her complain.  Not even once.  Not even when she was doing the drive in a Jeep.

2)  She NEVER underestimates the power of a Chick-fil-A nugget tray. 

3)  She and her man, Soup, let us experience what it's like to live the high life of the Soup and Sauce King of the Southwest and his lady, by taking us to a fancy private dining room experience at Del's every year at Christmas.  Serious royal treatment!  I feel like I'm with the mayor of Ft. Worth every time.

4)  At her wedding, she had her DJ play a special song for each bridesmaid/groomsman to run into the reception.  Like at the beginning of an NBA basketball game!  I'm pretty sure she picked, "Hillbilly Rock" for my Dad.  Single tear.  PS - I probably would've gone with "Hello, Country Bumpkin," but it was her wedding after all.

5)  She is BY FAR the nicest one of us.  BY FAR.  She listens to us moan and complain and smiles the sweetest smile every time.  But she don't judge.  She ain't like that.

One love, sweet Laura.

Top five things I LOVE about my girl, Heather

Sorry so slow on this, ladies, but I do have a day job.  And by day job I mean a commitment to catching up on all the episodes of Dance Moms I've been missing since I just discovered the show.  It's been on like two years, so have a heart.

Now, on to my girl, HB:

1)  She's a super high-powered attorney.  I like to surround myself with fancy folk, and lawyers are WAY fancy.  PS - she's wicked smart.

2)  She gets drunker than me.  This a difficult task and it requires a TON of commitment.  HB has NEVER let me down in her unfailing commitment to wine, beer, and booze.  I really respect that.

3)  She has zero problems with the fact that I refer to her husband as "my best gal pal."  Loves.

4)  She's super duper thoughtful and gives gifts that are way too generous.  Did I just say way too generous?  That was stupid, sorry.

5)   She's still mad at me because I told her husband (6 years ago) that he's a "great singer," so he consequently sings all the time.  Hating on your husband is cool, and HB is THE COOLEST.

Love you, friend!


Top 5 things I LOVE about my girl, Mishy

I am noticing a distinct lack of comments on this engaging, new, top 5 series. RUDE.

1) She will, in all seriousness, do the "sexy dance" that Bird and I created to secure her a marriage proposal. You're welcome, cuz that sh*t worked.

2) She is the BEST, most laid-back travelling buddy ever. She goes with the flow, which is extremely rare in a group full of hardcore Bs like we got going up in here. I am including myself in that tally. I likes my way. Cuz it's right. Duh.

3) She co-founded this RAD club. It has been a far greater success than our ill-fated scrapbook club.

4) She will go full-on J-Lo and lay on the bow (that's rich boat talk for hood) of a boat drinking cocktails while it is dead in the middle of the Caribbean.

5) She will get wasted, puke, pass out, then rally and make molten cakes for everyone! BEST RALLY EVER.

Much love, gurl.


Top 5 things I LOVE about my girl, Brooke

As I assume you are all waiting with baited breath for your very own top 5, I will try to churn these babies out in rapid succession.

1) All dudes LOVE Brooke. And by dudes I mean our queer-a$$ husbands.

Case in point, fade in, Diggs's pad:

Big Softee: (please read this using a sort of Snufaluffagus voice, but kinda nervous-y cuz he's talking to Brooke), "hey Brooke, you have camo shorts and I have camo shorts. We match."

Really, dude?

Fade in part deux, chez Classy:

My dad: "hey guys look - Brooke is drunk and she's eating toast!"
All other guys present: "Awwwwww. What will she think of next?"

NOT the reaction I get when I eat toast. Must be a technique issue.

2) She will not give any good chocolate to bulimics, because they will "just waste it."

3) She was the first HFGBC gurl to blow out a knee interpretive dancing. Note I said first.

4) When I invited her out on our old POS boat, The Chips Ahoy, she thought it was a fancy yacht-style P-Diddy boat and offered to bring tiny sandwiches made on King's Hawaiian Bread. Presh. Like anything my Dad would purchase would be nice enough to host tiny sandwiches.

5) She's the only other HFGBC gurl that has to go to Weight Watchers with me. Then she heckles dummies at the meetings.

Fade in, WW meeting full of fatties:

Dumb Fat Lady: "I don't know how I gained a pound. All I eat is salads."
Brooke, whispering: "Yeah right, lady. Cabana Bowls ain't salads."

Love you B to the B (S).

Top 5 things I LOVE about my gurl, Rach

So, this is obviously part 1 of a 7 part series, so ladies get ready for your own personal shout out. Why, you ask? Because I love the sh*t out of all of you and I don't care who knows it. Sappy love is the new black, duh. Oh and I don't think you are reading my awesome blog posts anymore and I know you will if they are about you and not my kid. Way to be selfish, ladies.

So, here goes:

1) Upon being served vodka out of a giant spigot, she asks, "Gabe, what kind of vodka is this?" Like they put top shelf vodka in a SPIGOT? Presh.

2) Upon sitting down at a blackjack table with 5 other awesome HFGBC hotties and dudes, she asks the dealer to "name which Friends characters we are!" Then, she corrects the dealer for incorrectly labeling me "Phoebe."

3) She always carries a gorgeous, rich, designer purse, but when she sees a friend with Glad Press-n-Seal, she declares it "RICH"!!!

4) She gets all her maternity clothes at Forever 21 or the Teen Mom section of Motherhood.

5) She treats her daughter's birthday parties as if they were the f'ing Catalina Wine Mixer.

Love you, gurl.