Hootie works in mysterious ways

Boom!  It's 2013 and I got a new list for yo a$$ - top 5 things that I unapologetically love - now and forever.  Some people call these "guilty pleasures," but to those people I say "suck it - don't feel guilty that you love Dance Moms.  It's the best show on T.V. since Bret Michaels:  Rock of Love went off the air."  Dubai.

Here goes:

1.  Hootie gone country - hence the title above.  Yes, I know his name is not Hootie and his band was not the Blowfish.  I've seen Behind the Music.  But I like to call him Hootie, and I LOVE him singing some country-style crossover hits.  Think he still wears those Timberland boots with the laces undone in his country videos?  Don't know.  Cuz they don't make videos anymore, do they?  Plus, CMT sucks.

2.  VAN HAGAR, not Van Halen - I know this is a highly controversial position to take on this age-old debate.  But seriously, close your eyes.  Now, imagine you are listening to ANY song off 5150.  Now look in the mirror at the giant smile on your face.  You're welcome.  PS - it's not like I said Van with that dude from Extreme over Van Halen.

3.   Old lady stuff, including, but not limited to:
  • Aerosol hairspray, and lots of it.  So much, in fact, that my hair is like a helmet - but I ain't got no fly-aways!
  • Julie Pants from Ann Taylor Loft.  Julie Pants are to fat 40-year-olds as cowboy shirts from the Brownwood Walmart are to my Dad.  Like the BEST LOOK EVER.  Again, I have made you learn with my mad analogy skillz.
  • Turkey neck camouflaging scarves.  Self-explanatory.  Yes, turkey neck is my new old lady figure flaw.  Style that with:  cankles, a muffin top, and a pained smile.
  • Light-weight big earrings - cuz old ladies have saggy earholes, too.  Maybe from wearing too many pairs of Bon Qui Qui hoops in the early 90s.  Maybe, hard to say. 
  • Sh*t tons of super light/light refracting undereye concealer - because it makes me look lots younger and less wrinkly, right?  And, I have always wanted to look just like Donna Mills on Knots Landing.  Don't know who that is?  Then you're too young to be reading this blog - go immediately to some young person's blog about skateboarding or Google+.
4.  Sex in the f'ing City - oh hell yeah.  When this show comes on in sweet reruns on the E! channel all bets are off.  And by that I mean, get out of my face husband and kid because I gots me some watching to do.  Now, I know everyone (read:  old a$$ ladies) like to say/imagine which Sex in the City girl they are.  Of course no one wants to be Samantha (slut) or Carrie (also pretty much a slut, but less in your face) and absolutely no one wants to be Miranda (also a slut, red hair, bossy, cranky, has cankles).  So, we all want to be Charlotte, and if you for the only time ever in history think it's a positive thing to have brown hair and brown eyes like me, it helps your case when you insist that you're the "Charlotte."  Now I know y'all are saying, but wait Jill, you are a lawyer and you do have cankles.  To which I reply sorry we're not friends anymore.  We are all Charlotte.  End of story.  Charlotte in the City.  Dubai.  But seriously, I f'ing love Sex in the City, so I am about to drop some radical list within a list action on you! 

Sex and the City - the Dudes.  And how I feel about them (duh!):
  1. Big.  LOVES.  A course.  He's an a-hole.  Have you met my Dad?
  2. Aidan (fat, early version with puka shell necklace) - Love a little cuz he's like a white Benicio del Toro which is obviously awesome.
  3. Aidan (skinny, short-haired later version) - no thanks!  Yes, he can refinish floors, but he's a little too oh I love you so much, Carrie which is barfy.  Yes, I do have low self-esteem.
  4. Trey McDougal - gross.  He has bedroom problems.  And his Mom sucks.  And he collects ducks.  What a weirdo.  Do like how he gave Charlotte that sweet apartment and posed with her all perfect-like in that picture for the fancy magazine.  That was a classy move.
  5. Harry - awesome.  I mean I would never go for that type (hairy, ugly, chunky) but I love the way he loves Charlotte.  Although, when she told him that he is lucky to have her, she was totally right and he should've been all fair point, lady, can I buy you some jewelry?
  6. Steve - who cares.  He is with Miranda.
  7. Robert - see Steve above.
  8. Richard - almost as good as Big.  Cuz he's mean.  And rich.  His voice creeps me out though.
  9. Smith Jarred - yes, please.  Although it breaks all my rules to love the pretty boy who doesn't even drink and is earnest all the time, I love Smith Jarred.  Member how rad he was when Samantha had cancer?
  10. Alexandr Petrovsky - boo.  Big boo.  A Russian?  Really?  Last time I checked we were supposed to hate commies, not date them.  PS - that stuff he makes is a giant make-up mirror, not art.
I know there are a bunch more dudes (see slut references above) but that's all I can remember right now.

5.  And this should come as no surprise - THE GOLD PACKAGE!!!  As in on my car.  Cuz gold is way more classy than silver.  I am pretty sure I only got to buy an Acura (that's rich!  remember my Dad) because he knew they don't offer a gold package and he's skerred.  Well, be warned my friends.  Next car I get is HAVING THE GOLD PACKAGE.  I am using the caps because I am actually screaming about this, to get my point across.  And you stopped listening.  Damn you!


1 comment:

  1. Why you gotta make me laugh all the time!!!! Plus why am I just now seeing this???? Where was my post via email?