Gonna make you sweat 'til you bleed. Is that dope enough? Indeed.

Bet y'all thought this blog was Dubai (remember: Dubai is Iphone for Dunzo - looks who's rich with an Iphone 3G - holla)! Oh hell to the no this blog is not Dubai. To prove it, I have a new post for yo a$$. And it's a list. And it's about running. Wait for it...

Here goes - my new top ten list of songs to listen to while I'm running. Yes, I'm "running" again. You may recall that I am about to be 40 (aka full-on Golden Girl old) so I figured I should starve myself and exercise until June so I don't scare all the people lucky enough to spend some time with me in a bathing suit. You're welcome, as always.

As you know, running sucks. Unless you're being chased. And it actually still sucks then, too, because who likes being chased? Especially if you just snatched a purse. Although I'm guessing if I ever snatch a purse, I'm going to do it really sneaky-like and then just walk off, acting real smooth. Watch out, Rach, cuz you know your purses are the ones I'm coming for first. Consider yourself warned.

Now my list, in backwards order, obvi, to build the suspense:

10) I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way by: Waylon
Explanation: this is good to get you started. It's kinda slow, like my running. I'm already in a bad mood obviously, because I am exercising, so I like to think that maybe Hank was as miserable as me. Wearing those rhinestone suits has to be as bad as the workout gear I got at Sam's Club, right?

9) I'm On a Boat by: Andy Samberg
Explanation: this song makes me happy. Because there's cussing. And it reminds me of being on a boat. In the Caribbean. Where God wants me to be. Instead of running on the streets of East Dallas at a ridiculously early hour. PS - I hate my life.

8) Needle and the Spoon by: Skynyrd
Explanation: this song rocks. And it makes me think about maybe taking up heroin as a weight loss alternative. But then I heard it makes you have a sugar Jones like nobody's business. And get zits. I'm f'ing 40 so I clearly cannot deal with zits.

7) Bulls on Parade by: Rage
Explanation: if you don't already have this song on your workout playlist, stop reading now and go get it. There's a lot of screaming and rage in this song (duh, they're raging against the machine) which goes perfectly with the rage I feel at having to exercise. Rally 'round the family, with a pocket full of shells. Who knows what that means? But I like it a LOT.

6) Love and Affection by: Nelson
Explanation: Nelson f'ing rules. Dubai.

5) Break Something by: Limp Bizkit
Explanation: 'member Fred Durst? 'member how he was always so mad cuz he was bald and Christina Aguilera claimed to be Durty but she still wouldn't do it with him due to his baldness? I can really relate to that anger. Because of my fatness. Plus, I really consider saying "first one to complain, leaves with a blood stain," at every business meeting I ever go to.

4) Cigarettes Will Kill You by: Ben Lee
Explanation: if you haven't heard this, give it whirl. This dude is from Australia, and I am generally not a fan of people from Australia, although I did love Muriel's Wedding, but that was really more because of Abba. But I digress. This dude used to date Claire Danes, so he's obviously pretty cool because Claire Danes pretend-dated Jared Leto on My So-Called Life and he rules. But really I like this song because it has cigarettes in the title. I like to picture myself smoking cigarettes while I'm running. You know, picturing your happy place and all makes you run faster, right?

3) Dancing Queen by: ABBA
Explanation: ABBA is by far the best band of all-time, and Dancing Queen is by far their best song. I once went on a family vacation where all we brought was a case of vodka, 2 cartons of smokes, and the ABBA Gold CD. True Story. Best vacation every, BTW. Oh and needless to say we brought Yahtzee. Yahtzee is to games as ABBA is to music. That's an analogy. Like on the SAT. Sorry I just made you learn.

2) Crazy in Love by: Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z
Explanation: when this song plays while I run I pretend all my flab jiggling is actually an on purpose shimmy like Beyonce. My flabs got my lookin' so crazy right now.

1) 99 Problems by: Jay-Z
Explanation: As if it's needed! I got 99 problems and running is #1. Seriously though, I like to think about all my problems while I am running and listening to this. I'm from the 'hood, stupid, what kinda facts are those? Seriously, I can run until I get to like my 3rd problem (old, flabby, possibly mentally ill) then I have to take a breather. Yes, I suck.

Hope this inspiring post inspires all of you to "hit the streets" as my Dad likes to say. Bastard.


  1. You kill me! hahaha! Keep up the great work!

  2. So glad to see something on the blog! Funny as usual! Maybe you should join Mishy at the Tinkerbell run in SD. At least you may get a trip to Cali out of it!

    0.0 for life.

  3. I love it! I have new songs to add to my playlist. 99 problems. Running sucks and I hate it every second I'm out there training. You go girl!

    0.0 por vida

  4. Hilarious! I'm sorry I just made you learn. Ha!