Runner's High: Only for People Who Have Never Actually Been High

As you all know, my Dad is super duper skinny/heroin chic/manorexic/frequently shirtless. How did he get this way? I say genetics (his grandmother was 6'1), he says exercise. Specifically, running. So, in an effort to lose lbs for my reunion, I took his advice for the first time in 20 years and started running. And by running I mean walking mainly and running for like 1.5 minutes at a time and then nearly passing out cold. I got some sweet plan off the internets that tells you how to run a 5K in like 30 days. First off, what the hell is a 5K? Last time I checked, we live in America, where the metric system was declared unconstitutional years ago. But anyway, I started following this 5K plan. Mind you, I have no intention of actually running an actual race, because I find grown-ups who race other grown-ups to be ridiculous. Don't even get me started on those f'ing 13.1 and 26.2 bumper stickers. I thought they were radio stations for like two years before I realized they are for runners to brag about how far they run. Gross. Seriously, if you run so long that your toenails fall off, you're f'ing bonkers and need professional help, not a bumper sticker. But back to the plan, you start off running like 1.5 minutes then walking some, then slowly increase the amount of running and decrease the amount of walking - you get the picture. So I come in all red-faced and sweaty, smelling like a bag of nacho cheese Doritos after my first "run," and I am seriously pissed. I feel like shit. Not in the least bit "high." So of course I scream at my Dad and start talking constantly about my runner's low. At which point he explains to me about endorphins or some other mumbo jumbo that this cult of runners like to perpetrate amongst themselves, and anyway I tune out and start reading a magazine. Leave it to some exercise fanatics to talk about something they have zero knowledge of - like being high. RUDE!

I am still running by the way. I look more like I am falling down and I have seen actual snails go faster than me, but I keep on trying. And needless to say, I am STILL NOT HIGH. I'll keep you posted if this changes, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Unless of course you come anywhere near me after one of my "runs."