So, I am about to enter some seriously uncharted territory. This post IS going to be a list, don't get crazy, but I'm about to throw some mad love in a direction that is totally weird/a little barfy.
My dad. As in my husband. As in the person who I generally complain about then say, "single tear." Sorry I'm so hilarious. Seriously though, on the eve of our 23rd dating-iversary (yes, I still count different -iversaries, even though my Dad said in like '98, "stop that, I'm not getting you multiple presents per year, and that sh*t was made up by Hallmark.."- single tear, as always), I'm about to rock my top 5 reasons why he's still my Jake Ryan. And if you don't know who that is, well you better ax somebody.
Here goes:
1) He still makes me mix tapes. They are CDs now of course but he still makes them. Fairly frequently. Sometimes it's a total fail (hello - alternative country is not my bag, baby), but sometimes it's just the right mix of nonsense for me (Salt and Pepa here). And then, it's glorious.
2) He sits aside WSJ articles that he thinks are of interest to me. And sometimes he even circles the article. It's adorbs. Yet still WSJ-riffic and just so him.
3) Once, when he got motor oil on his khakis, he screamed at me, "dang, I got Vamp on my pants!!" As in the best ever nail color, Vamp, from Chanel. It's super awesome when a hard-a$$ dude knows what Vamp is.
4) He uses our sex-iversary as his password on some of his many accounts. I just found this out a few months ago. Seriously. Awesome.
5) I once asked him (because a bunch of my friends were asking their husbands this and I'm a total follower, hello) to tell me something "cute" that I do. The other husbands said things like "wrinkle your nose when you laugh," or "stick the toothbrush in that little hole in the sink when you put the toothpaste on it," etc. etc. Typical stuff you'd totally expect and all the girls were totally charmed by it. So, I ask him, and without missing a beat, he says, "dog my a$$ 24/7." Then goes back to reading the WSJ. For serious. Pretty much sums up our whole relationship. And I wouldn't change it. Not one thing. Except the cheapness. I would totally change that. PS - if anyone has any ideas on how to change that, give me a holler.
The end. You can stop barfing now. Oh and btw, he would totally HATE that I wrote this. But, he also would NEVER read this blog so it's our little secret. Shhhhhhh.
A Classy place where classy ladies get together to discuss their business all up on the internet. Now that’s classy!
1.23.2013
Hootie works in mysterious ways
Boom! It's 2013 and I got a new list for yo a$$ - top 5 things that I unapologetically love - now and forever. Some people call these "guilty pleasures," but to those people I say "suck it - don't feel guilty that you love Dance Moms. It's the best show on T.V. since Bret Michaels: Rock of Love went off the air." Dubai.
Here goes:
1. Hootie gone country - hence the title above. Yes, I know his name is not Hootie and his band was not the Blowfish. I've seen Behind the Music. But I like to call him Hootie, and I LOVE him singing some country-style crossover hits. Think he still wears those Timberland boots with the laces undone in his country videos? Don't know. Cuz they don't make videos anymore, do they? Plus, CMT sucks.
2. VAN HAGAR, not Van Halen - I know this is a highly controversial position to take on this age-old debate. But seriously, close your eyes. Now, imagine you are listening to ANY song off 5150. Now look in the mirror at the giant smile on your face. You're welcome. PS - it's not like I said Van with that dude from Extreme over Van Halen.
3. Old lady stuff, including, but not limited to:
Sex and the City - the Dudes. And how I feel about them (duh!):
5. And this should come as no surprise - THE GOLD PACKAGE!!! As in on my car. Cuz gold is way more classy than silver. I am pretty sure I only got to buy an Acura (that's rich! remember my Dad) because he knew they don't offer a gold package and he's skerred. Well, be warned my friends. Next car I get is HAVING THE GOLD PACKAGE. I am using the caps because I am actually screaming about this, to get my point across. And you stopped listening. Damn you!
PZ.
Here goes:
1. Hootie gone country - hence the title above. Yes, I know his name is not Hootie and his band was not the Blowfish. I've seen Behind the Music. But I like to call him Hootie, and I LOVE him singing some country-style crossover hits. Think he still wears those Timberland boots with the laces undone in his country videos? Don't know. Cuz they don't make videos anymore, do they? Plus, CMT sucks.
2. VAN HAGAR, not Van Halen - I know this is a highly controversial position to take on this age-old debate. But seriously, close your eyes. Now, imagine you are listening to ANY song off 5150. Now look in the mirror at the giant smile on your face. You're welcome. PS - it's not like I said Van with that dude from Extreme over Van Halen.
3. Old lady stuff, including, but not limited to:
- Aerosol hairspray, and lots of it. So much, in fact, that my hair is like a helmet - but I ain't got no fly-aways!
- Julie Pants from Ann Taylor Loft. Julie Pants are to fat 40-year-olds as cowboy shirts from the Brownwood Walmart are to my Dad. Like the BEST LOOK EVER. Again, I have made you learn with my mad analogy skillz.
- Turkey neck camouflaging scarves. Self-explanatory. Yes, turkey neck is my new old lady figure flaw. Style that with: cankles, a muffin top, and a pained smile.
- Light-weight big earrings - cuz old ladies have saggy earholes, too. Maybe from wearing too many pairs of Bon Qui Qui hoops in the early 90s. Maybe, hard to say.
- Sh*t tons of super light/light refracting undereye concealer - because it makes me look lots younger and less wrinkly, right? And, I have always wanted to look just like Donna Mills on Knots Landing. Don't know who that is? Then you're too young to be reading this blog - go immediately to some young person's blog about skateboarding or Google+.
Sex and the City - the Dudes. And how I feel about them (duh!):
- Big. LOVES. A course. He's an a-hole. Have you met my Dad?
- Aidan (fat, early version with puka shell necklace) - Love a little cuz he's like a white Benicio del Toro which is obviously awesome.
- Aidan (skinny, short-haired later version) - no thanks! Yes, he can refinish floors, but he's a little too oh I love you so much, Carrie which is barfy. Yes, I do have low self-esteem.
- Trey McDougal - gross. He has bedroom problems. And his Mom sucks. And he collects ducks. What a weirdo. Do like how he gave Charlotte that sweet apartment and posed with her all perfect-like in that picture for the fancy magazine. That was a classy move.
- Harry - awesome. I mean I would never go for that type (hairy, ugly, chunky) but I love the way he loves Charlotte. Although, when she told him that he is lucky to have her, she was totally right and he should've been all fair point, lady, can I buy you some jewelry?
- Steve - who cares. He is with Miranda.
- Robert - see Steve above.
- Richard - almost as good as Big. Cuz he's mean. And rich. His voice creeps me out though.
- Smith Jarred - yes, please. Although it breaks all my rules to love the pretty boy who doesn't even drink and is earnest all the time, I love Smith Jarred. Member how rad he was when Samantha had cancer?
- Alexandr Petrovsky - boo. Big boo. A Russian? Really? Last time I checked we were supposed to hate commies, not date them. PS - that stuff he makes is a giant make-up mirror, not art.
5. And this should come as no surprise - THE GOLD PACKAGE!!! As in on my car. Cuz gold is way more classy than silver. I am pretty sure I only got to buy an Acura (that's rich! remember my Dad) because he knew they don't offer a gold package and he's skerred. Well, be warned my friends. Next car I get is HAVING THE GOLD PACKAGE. I am using the caps because I am actually screaming about this, to get my point across. And you stopped listening. Damn you!
PZ.
11.12.2012
GRAND FINALE: Top 5 Things I LOVE About My Girl, Ivy (Fern, Bird, Iver)
So, I saved Ivy for last of course because she's my first best friend. Yes, I have a ranked list of my best friends in order. How else will I deal with it if one of them dies? I won't tell any of you who is my second best friend, that way, you will all keep clamoring for that coveted spot. Gifts are obviously welcome and encouraged.
Here goes:
1) She gets my husband. This is huge. He's like an enigma wrapped inside a riddle that is then shrink-wrapped in cheapness and packaged assholery. So, getting him is pretty much as hard as doing one of those Sodoku puzzles. PS - I hate numbers.
2) She unapologetically loves both teen heartthrobs and Kellie Raspberry. The Twilight Saga is a MAJOR part of her life. Like breathing or her kids. And as for Raspberry, we talk about her like she's one of our friends. Her struggles are our struggles. Don't even get me started on that Freddie Poole mf'er. Anyway, some people would call these things guilty pleasures, but Ivy don't have no guilt, cuz homey don't play that. And I really respect that in a person.
3) She has mad skillz on the dance floor, but will still take time to do the Coca-Cola with me. I never look right on the dance floor (think fat guy in a little coat routine). But, when I am Coca-Cola-ing with tall, gorgeous Ivy, I can forget that, if only for that one brief shining moment during The Remix to Ignition. And it's glorious.
4) Her tan. 'Nuff said.
5) When the sh*t in my life gets real, like I may end up like my Mom real, she's the one I know I can go to - no matter what. Everyone needs a someone like that, and she's my someone. So hands off b*tches.
So Ivy, I salute you in the words we used so often when we first met (and should really work on bringing back cuz they're bad a$$):
Fly on, Albatross!!
XOXOXO, lady!
Here goes:
1) She gets my husband. This is huge. He's like an enigma wrapped inside a riddle that is then shrink-wrapped in cheapness and packaged assholery. So, getting him is pretty much as hard as doing one of those Sodoku puzzles. PS - I hate numbers.
2) She unapologetically loves both teen heartthrobs and Kellie Raspberry. The Twilight Saga is a MAJOR part of her life. Like breathing or her kids. And as for Raspberry, we talk about her like she's one of our friends. Her struggles are our struggles. Don't even get me started on that Freddie Poole mf'er. Anyway, some people would call these things guilty pleasures, but Ivy don't have no guilt, cuz homey don't play that. And I really respect that in a person.
3) She has mad skillz on the dance floor, but will still take time to do the Coca-Cola with me. I never look right on the dance floor (think fat guy in a little coat routine). But, when I am Coca-Cola-ing with tall, gorgeous Ivy, I can forget that, if only for that one brief shining moment during The Remix to Ignition. And it's glorious.
4) Her tan. 'Nuff said.
5) When the sh*t in my life gets real, like I may end up like my Mom real, she's the one I know I can go to - no matter what. Everyone needs a someone like that, and she's my someone. So hands off b*tches.
So Ivy, I salute you in the words we used so often when we first met (and should really work on bringing back cuz they're bad a$$):
Fly on, Albatross!!
XOXOXO, lady!
11.09.2012
Top 5 Things I LOVE about my gurl, DARA
Bam! You thought it was over, but you know I like to be real tricky, and what's more tricky than waiting 6 or so months between blog posts that are supposed to be a 7-part series? Nothing, that's what.
PS - I've been super busy going on fab vacays and working out, so have a heart.
Here goes:
1) She's f'ing gorgeous. Like a model. And homey don't play no dogs. Dubai.
2) She is my biggest fan. I'm super selfish, so I dig people that like to promote me to the Dallas community. Particularly on the west side, because my fan-base is generally east-centric. Gotsta diversify.
3) She is not afraid to drive a dune buggy instead of car. That's what makes her real. Like J-Lo. Except her a$$ is more toned. From the Barre Method. Whatever the hell that is.
4) She's super-wack-funky-crazy in love with her own husband. It's the sweetest thing ever. It's like Jay-Z and Beyonce except she's prettier than Beyonce. And Baby Blue Ivy ain't got nothin' on her babies. And by that I mean she is uglier than them. I'm sorry to be harsh to Beyonce, as I've actually never seen Baby Blue Ivy, but I know this to be true nonetheless, and I'm not doing Beyonce any favors by shielding her from this fact any longer.
5) She is the best MOM ever. I wish she was MY mom. Her house is like Candyland/Astroworld combined, and her kids are super cute and sweet. She makes it look easy and effortless, which I would generally consider to be rude, but when she does it you can tell it's just meant to be that way. And who am I to argue with God?
Love 4-eva, DB!
PS - I've been super busy going on fab vacays and working out, so have a heart.
Here goes:
1) She's f'ing gorgeous. Like a model. And homey don't play no dogs. Dubai.
2) She is my biggest fan. I'm super selfish, so I dig people that like to promote me to the Dallas community. Particularly on the west side, because my fan-base is generally east-centric. Gotsta diversify.
3) She is not afraid to drive a dune buggy instead of car. That's what makes her real. Like J-Lo. Except her a$$ is more toned. From the Barre Method. Whatever the hell that is.
4) She's super-wack-funky-crazy in love with her own husband. It's the sweetest thing ever. It's like Jay-Z and Beyonce except she's prettier than Beyonce. And Baby Blue Ivy ain't got nothin' on her babies. And by that I mean she is uglier than them. I'm sorry to be harsh to Beyonce, as I've actually never seen Baby Blue Ivy, but I know this to be true nonetheless, and I'm not doing Beyonce any favors by shielding her from this fact any longer.
5) She is the best MOM ever. I wish she was MY mom. Her house is like Candyland/Astroworld combined, and her kids are super cute and sweet. She makes it look easy and effortless, which I would generally consider to be rude, but when she does it you can tell it's just meant to be that way. And who am I to argue with God?
Love 4-eva, DB!
7.31.2012
HFGBC honors Classy Jill
Our very own, Classy Jill, celebrated a very special birthday last month. What better way to celebrate 40 years than to party on the beautiful island of Exuma in the Bahamas with our best friends!! We started off our trip flying first class, duh we are classy, with Mr. Matthew McConaughey and his new bride, Camila. He was so cool, he dressed way better than us and even signed my People magazine that they were on the cover of. Oh wait, I'm totally lying about that last part because he was wearing sweat pants and he denied the flight attendant the autograph when she asked. RUDE. But, whatever, we proceeded to continue drinking and enjoy ourselves with the best flight attendant ever. Thank you American for doing at least one thing right. Our classy bunch goes straight for duty-free in Miami (as I now have the "Going to Miami" song stuck in my head all over again). We all needed to stock up on perfume, yo. Not really, but we did all and I mean all 14 (2 didn't come until Sunday) buy two bottles of liquor to take on the plane. Classy! That flight attendant sure wanted to come party with us! And now we're finally in Exuma ready to party, hang on the beach, continue to get our drink on and celebrate Jill's birthday & surprises!
Day 1: Perfect weather, fun times at the beach, Nay Nay's punch is a hit, Eli attempts to swim to another island & the Cobb's arrive!
Day 2: It's Jill's BIRTHDAY!!
First boat day with a minor hiccup but there's always going to be some kind of boat inconvenience with our crowd! Worked out for us as we got a pimp-er boat.
Day 1: Perfect weather, fun times at the beach, Nay Nay's punch is a hit, Eli attempts to swim to another island & the Cobb's arrive!
not quite...
talk about an entrance!
Surprise #1: Salli ordered custom Tervis Tumblers with photos and had everyone's name printed on them for Jill's birthday. They are super cute & classy!
Surprise #2: All the girls got Jill Chanel sunglasses for her birthday!!
First boat day with a minor hiccup but there's always going to be some kind of boat inconvenience with our crowd! Worked out for us as we got a pimp-er boat.
Surprise #3 (final surprise...all good things must come to an end): A video slideshow for Jill with photos AND rapping clips from all her favorites peeps! Tears?!? I brought tears to not only her eyes but Nathan's, too. Damn, I am good! That warms my heart. In all seriousness, seeing that made me cry again and I say again because I don't even know how many times I got teary eyed watching the video as I put it together. I'm so glad they were both touched by it!
Day 3: Second boat day - rain. all. day. Slurracaine day 1, thank you, tropical storm Debby. We stay inside and drink all day.
Maybe go for a kayak in a light drizzle.
Have a dance party and reenact scenes from Dirty Dancing...
Day 4: The Slurracaine died for the day, so we took our chances and went back out on the boats. Choppy waters, bit of a breeze but we know how to bring a party to an island!
We ended the night with Fancy night. Every trip to Exuma has Fancy night. Don't all classy people have a "fancy night"?
Day 5: Slurracaine came back with a vengeance. Debby was pissed off at someone! Six of our friends flew home in the midst of that madness while we drank and played spades in our house with no power screaming at anyone that went near the fridge! Finally, wearing our swimsuits all day paid off because the sun came out! We made it to the beach!
Jill - we all know how hard you worked at planning this trip. We thank you and Nathan for the time and effort you spent researching, planning, etc. We love you and hope it was the best birthday ever!!
*I think next time we go on a trip we should up the bacon assumption. We can surely find more ways to incorporate bacon into dishes. Especially with all the pinning these days.
Love you
5.30.2012
Top five things I LOVE about my girl, Laura
So, first off, I don't think Laura even reads this blog, so maybe someone email her the link. I would do that myself, but as you can all guess, I don't really know how to email links.
Here goes:
1) She will drive all the way from Ft. Worth to hang out with the whole bunch of Bs that we are, and I've never heard her complain. Not even once. Not even when she was doing the drive in a Jeep.
2) She NEVER underestimates the power of a Chick-fil-A nugget tray.
3) She and her man, Soup, let us experience what it's like to live the high life of the Soup and Sauce King of the Southwest and his lady, by taking us to a fancy private dining room experience at Del's every year at Christmas. Serious royal treatment! I feel like I'm with the mayor of Ft. Worth every time.
4) At her wedding, she had her DJ play a special song for each bridesmaid/groomsman to run into the reception. Like at the beginning of an NBA basketball game! I'm pretty sure she picked, "Hillbilly Rock" for my Dad. Single tear. PS - I probably would've gone with "Hello, Country Bumpkin," but it was her wedding after all.
5) She is BY FAR the nicest one of us. BY FAR. She listens to us moan and complain and smiles the sweetest smile every time. But she don't judge. She ain't like that.
One love, sweet Laura.
Here goes:
1) She will drive all the way from Ft. Worth to hang out with the whole bunch of Bs that we are, and I've never heard her complain. Not even once. Not even when she was doing the drive in a Jeep.
2) She NEVER underestimates the power of a Chick-fil-A nugget tray.
3) She and her man, Soup, let us experience what it's like to live the high life of the Soup and Sauce King of the Southwest and his lady, by taking us to a fancy private dining room experience at Del's every year at Christmas. Serious royal treatment! I feel like I'm with the mayor of Ft. Worth every time.
4) At her wedding, she had her DJ play a special song for each bridesmaid/groomsman to run into the reception. Like at the beginning of an NBA basketball game! I'm pretty sure she picked, "Hillbilly Rock" for my Dad. Single tear. PS - I probably would've gone with "Hello, Country Bumpkin," but it was her wedding after all.
5) She is BY FAR the nicest one of us. BY FAR. She listens to us moan and complain and smiles the sweetest smile every time. But she don't judge. She ain't like that.
One love, sweet Laura.
Top five things I LOVE about my girl, Heather
Sorry so slow on this, ladies, but I do have a day job. And by day job I mean a commitment to catching up on all the episodes of Dance Moms I've been missing since I just discovered the show. It's been on like two years, so have a heart.
Now, on to my girl, HB:
1) She's a super high-powered attorney. I like to surround myself with fancy folk, and lawyers are WAY fancy. PS - she's wicked smart.
2) She gets drunker than me. This a difficult task and it requires a TON of commitment. HB has NEVER let me down in her unfailing commitment to wine, beer, and booze. I really respect that.
3) She has zero problems with the fact that I refer to her husband as "my best gal pal." Loves.
4) She's super duper thoughtful and gives gifts that are way too generous. Did I just say way too generous? That was stupid, sorry.
5) She's still mad at me because I told her husband (6 years ago) that he's a "great singer," so he consequently sings all the time. Hating on your husband is cool, and HB is THE COOLEST.
Love you, friend!
Now, on to my girl, HB:
1) She's a super high-powered attorney. I like to surround myself with fancy folk, and lawyers are WAY fancy. PS - she's wicked smart.
2) She gets drunker than me. This a difficult task and it requires a TON of commitment. HB has NEVER let me down in her unfailing commitment to wine, beer, and booze. I really respect that.
3) She has zero problems with the fact that I refer to her husband as "my best gal pal." Loves.
4) She's super duper thoughtful and gives gifts that are way too generous. Did I just say way too generous? That was stupid, sorry.
5) She's still mad at me because I told her husband (6 years ago) that he's a "great singer," so he consequently sings all the time. Hating on your husband is cool, and HB is THE COOLEST.
Love you, friend!
3.15.2012
Top 5 things I LOVE about my girl, Mishy
I am noticing a distinct lack of comments on this engaging, new, top 5 series. RUDE.
1) She will, in all seriousness, do the "sexy dance" that Bird and I created to secure her a marriage proposal. You're welcome, cuz that sh*t worked.
2) She is the BEST, most laid-back travelling buddy ever. She goes with the flow, which is extremely rare in a group full of hardcore Bs like we got going up in here. I am including myself in that tally. I likes my way. Cuz it's right. Duh.
3) She co-founded this RAD club. It has been a far greater success than our ill-fated scrapbook club.
4) She will go full-on J-Lo and lay on the bow (that's rich boat talk for hood) of a boat drinking cocktails while it is dead in the middle of the Caribbean.
5) She will get wasted, puke, pass out, then rally and make molten cakes for everyone! BEST RALLY EVER.
Much love, gurl.
1) She will, in all seriousness, do the "sexy dance" that Bird and I created to secure her a marriage proposal. You're welcome, cuz that sh*t worked.
2) She is the BEST, most laid-back travelling buddy ever. She goes with the flow, which is extremely rare in a group full of hardcore Bs like we got going up in here. I am including myself in that tally. I likes my way. Cuz it's right. Duh.
3) She co-founded this RAD club. It has been a far greater success than our ill-fated scrapbook club.
4) She will go full-on J-Lo and lay on the bow (that's rich boat talk for hood) of a boat drinking cocktails while it is dead in the middle of the Caribbean.
5) She will get wasted, puke, pass out, then rally and make molten cakes for everyone! BEST RALLY EVER.
Much love, gurl.
3.12.2012
Top 5 things I LOVE about my girl, Brooke
As I assume you are all waiting with baited breath for your very own top 5, I will try to churn these babies out in rapid succession.
1) All dudes LOVE Brooke. And by dudes I mean our queer-a$$ husbands.
Case in point, fade in, Diggs's pad:
Big Softee: (please read this using a sort of Snufaluffagus voice, but kinda nervous-y cuz he's talking to Brooke), "hey Brooke, you have camo shorts and I have camo shorts. We match."
Really, dude?
Fade in part deux, chez Classy:
My dad: "hey guys look - Brooke is drunk and she's eating toast!"
All other guys present: "Awwwwww. What will she think of next?"
NOT the reaction I get when I eat toast. Must be a technique issue.
2) She will not give any good chocolate to bulimics, because they will "just waste it."
3) She was the first HFGBC gurl to blow out a knee interpretive dancing. Note I said first.
4) When I invited her out on our old POS boat, The Chips Ahoy, she thought it was a fancy yacht-style P-Diddy boat and offered to bring tiny sandwiches made on King's Hawaiian Bread. Presh. Like anything my Dad would purchase would be nice enough to host tiny sandwiches.
5) She's the only other HFGBC gurl that has to go to Weight Watchers with me. Then she heckles dummies at the meetings.
Fade in, WW meeting full of fatties:
Dumb Fat Lady: "I don't know how I gained a pound. All I eat is salads."
Brooke, whispering: "Yeah right, lady. Cabana Bowls ain't salads."
Love you B to the B (S).
1) All dudes LOVE Brooke. And by dudes I mean our queer-a$$ husbands.
Case in point, fade in, Diggs's pad:
Big Softee: (please read this using a sort of Snufaluffagus voice, but kinda nervous-y cuz he's talking to Brooke), "hey Brooke, you have camo shorts and I have camo shorts. We match."
Really, dude?
Fade in part deux, chez Classy:
My dad: "hey guys look - Brooke is drunk and she's eating toast!"
All other guys present: "Awwwwww. What will she think of next?"
NOT the reaction I get when I eat toast. Must be a technique issue.
2) She will not give any good chocolate to bulimics, because they will "just waste it."
3) She was the first HFGBC gurl to blow out a knee interpretive dancing. Note I said first.
4) When I invited her out on our old POS boat, The Chips Ahoy, she thought it was a fancy yacht-style P-Diddy boat and offered to bring tiny sandwiches made on King's Hawaiian Bread. Presh. Like anything my Dad would purchase would be nice enough to host tiny sandwiches.
5) She's the only other HFGBC gurl that has to go to Weight Watchers with me. Then she heckles dummies at the meetings.
Fade in, WW meeting full of fatties:
Dumb Fat Lady: "I don't know how I gained a pound. All I eat is salads."
Brooke, whispering: "Yeah right, lady. Cabana Bowls ain't salads."
Love you B to the B (S).
Top 5 things I LOVE about my gurl, Rach
So, this is obviously part 1 of a 7 part series, so ladies get ready for your own personal shout out. Why, you ask? Because I love the sh*t out of all of you and I don't care who knows it. Sappy love is the new black, duh. Oh and I don't think you are reading my awesome blog posts anymore and I know you will if they are about you and not my kid. Way to be selfish, ladies.
So, here goes:
1) Upon being served vodka out of a giant spigot, she asks, "Gabe, what kind of vodka is this?" Like they put top shelf vodka in a SPIGOT? Presh.
2) Upon sitting down at a blackjack table with 5 other awesome HFGBC hotties and dudes, she asks the dealer to "name which Friends characters we are!" Then, she corrects the dealer for incorrectly labeling me "Phoebe."
3) She always carries a gorgeous, rich, designer purse, but when she sees a friend with Glad Press-n-Seal, she declares it "RICH"!!!
4) She gets all her maternity clothes at Forever 21 or the Teen Mom section of Motherhood.
5) She treats her daughter's birthday parties as if they were the f'ing Catalina Wine Mixer.
Love you, gurl.
So, here goes:
1) Upon being served vodka out of a giant spigot, she asks, "Gabe, what kind of vodka is this?" Like they put top shelf vodka in a SPIGOT? Presh.
2) Upon sitting down at a blackjack table with 5 other awesome HFGBC hotties and dudes, she asks the dealer to "name which Friends characters we are!" Then, she corrects the dealer for incorrectly labeling me "Phoebe."
3) She always carries a gorgeous, rich, designer purse, but when she sees a friend with Glad Press-n-Seal, she declares it "RICH"!!!
4) She gets all her maternity clothes at Forever 21 or the Teen Mom section of Motherhood.
5) She treats her daughter's birthday parties as if they were the f'ing Catalina Wine Mixer.
Love you, gurl.
10.28.2011
Gonna make you sweat 'til you bleed. Is that dope enough? Indeed.
Bet y'all thought this blog was Dubai (remember: Dubai is Iphone for Dunzo - looks who's rich with an Iphone 3G - holla)! Oh hell to the no this blog is not Dubai. To prove it, I have a new post for yo a$$. And it's a list. And it's about running. Wait for it...
Here goes - my new top ten list of songs to listen to while I'm running. Yes, I'm "running" again. You may recall that I am about to be 40 (aka full-on Golden Girl old) so I figured I should starve myself and exercise until June so I don't scare all the people lucky enough to spend some time with me in a bathing suit. You're welcome, as always.
As you know, running sucks. Unless you're being chased. And it actually still sucks then, too, because who likes being chased? Especially if you just snatched a purse. Although I'm guessing if I ever snatch a purse, I'm going to do it really sneaky-like and then just walk off, acting real smooth. Watch out, Rach, cuz you know your purses are the ones I'm coming for first. Consider yourself warned.
Now my list, in backwards order, obvi, to build the suspense:
10) I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way by: Waylon
Explanation: this is good to get you started. It's kinda slow, like my running. I'm already in a bad mood obviously, because I am exercising, so I like to think that maybe Hank was as miserable as me. Wearing those rhinestone suits has to be as bad as the workout gear I got at Sam's Club, right?
9) I'm On a Boat by: Andy Samberg
Explanation: this song makes me happy. Because there's cussing. And it reminds me of being on a boat. In the Caribbean. Where God wants me to be. Instead of running on the streets of East Dallas at a ridiculously early hour. PS - I hate my life.
8) Needle and the Spoon by: Skynyrd
Explanation: this song rocks. And it makes me think about maybe taking up heroin as a weight loss alternative. But then I heard it makes you have a sugar Jones like nobody's business. And get zits. I'm f'ing 40 so I clearly cannot deal with zits.
7) Bulls on Parade by: Rage
Explanation: if you don't already have this song on your workout playlist, stop reading now and go get it. There's a lot of screaming and rage in this song (duh, they're raging against the machine) which goes perfectly with the rage I feel at having to exercise. Rally 'round the family, with a pocket full of shells. Who knows what that means? But I like it a LOT.
6) Love and Affection by: Nelson
Explanation: Nelson f'ing rules. Dubai.
5) Break Something by: Limp Bizkit
Explanation: 'member Fred Durst? 'member how he was always so mad cuz he was bald and Christina Aguilera claimed to be Durty but she still wouldn't do it with him due to his baldness? I can really relate to that anger. Because of my fatness. Plus, I really consider saying "first one to complain, leaves with a blood stain," at every business meeting I ever go to.
4) Cigarettes Will Kill You by: Ben Lee
Explanation: if you haven't heard this, give it whirl. This dude is from Australia, and I am generally not a fan of people from Australia, although I did love Muriel's Wedding, but that was really more because of Abba. But I digress. This dude used to date Claire Danes, so he's obviously pretty cool because Claire Danes pretend-dated Jared Leto on My So-Called Life and he rules. But really I like this song because it has cigarettes in the title. I like to picture myself smoking cigarettes while I'm running. You know, picturing your happy place and all makes you run faster, right?
3) Dancing Queen by: ABBA
Explanation: ABBA is by far the best band of all-time, and Dancing Queen is by far their best song. I once went on a family vacation where all we brought was a case of vodka, 2 cartons of smokes, and the ABBA Gold CD. True Story. Best vacation every, BTW. Oh and needless to say we brought Yahtzee. Yahtzee is to games as ABBA is to music. That's an analogy. Like on the SAT. Sorry I just made you learn.
2) Crazy in Love by: Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z
Explanation: when this song plays while I run I pretend all my flab jiggling is actually an on purpose shimmy like Beyonce. My flabs got my lookin' so crazy right now.
1) 99 Problems by: Jay-Z
Explanation: As if it's needed! I got 99 problems and running is #1. Seriously though, I like to think about all my problems while I am running and listening to this. I'm from the 'hood, stupid, what kinda facts are those? Seriously, I can run until I get to like my 3rd problem (old, flabby, possibly mentally ill) then I have to take a breather. Yes, I suck.
Hope this inspiring post inspires all of you to "hit the streets" as my Dad likes to say. Bastard.
Here goes - my new top ten list of songs to listen to while I'm running. Yes, I'm "running" again. You may recall that I am about to be 40 (aka full-on Golden Girl old) so I figured I should starve myself and exercise until June so I don't scare all the people lucky enough to spend some time with me in a bathing suit. You're welcome, as always.
As you know, running sucks. Unless you're being chased. And it actually still sucks then, too, because who likes being chased? Especially if you just snatched a purse. Although I'm guessing if I ever snatch a purse, I'm going to do it really sneaky-like and then just walk off, acting real smooth. Watch out, Rach, cuz you know your purses are the ones I'm coming for first. Consider yourself warned.
Now my list, in backwards order, obvi, to build the suspense:
10) I Don't Think Hank Done It This Way by: Waylon
Explanation: this is good to get you started. It's kinda slow, like my running. I'm already in a bad mood obviously, because I am exercising, so I like to think that maybe Hank was as miserable as me. Wearing those rhinestone suits has to be as bad as the workout gear I got at Sam's Club, right?
9) I'm On a Boat by: Andy Samberg
Explanation: this song makes me happy. Because there's cussing. And it reminds me of being on a boat. In the Caribbean. Where God wants me to be. Instead of running on the streets of East Dallas at a ridiculously early hour. PS - I hate my life.
8) Needle and the Spoon by: Skynyrd
Explanation: this song rocks. And it makes me think about maybe taking up heroin as a weight loss alternative. But then I heard it makes you have a sugar Jones like nobody's business. And get zits. I'm f'ing 40 so I clearly cannot deal with zits.
7) Bulls on Parade by: Rage
Explanation: if you don't already have this song on your workout playlist, stop reading now and go get it. There's a lot of screaming and rage in this song (duh, they're raging against the machine) which goes perfectly with the rage I feel at having to exercise. Rally 'round the family, with a pocket full of shells. Who knows what that means? But I like it a LOT.
6) Love and Affection by: Nelson
Explanation: Nelson f'ing rules. Dubai.
5) Break Something by: Limp Bizkit
Explanation: 'member Fred Durst? 'member how he was always so mad cuz he was bald and Christina Aguilera claimed to be Durty but she still wouldn't do it with him due to his baldness? I can really relate to that anger. Because of my fatness. Plus, I really consider saying "first one to complain, leaves with a blood stain," at every business meeting I ever go to.
4) Cigarettes Will Kill You by: Ben Lee
Explanation: if you haven't heard this, give it whirl. This dude is from Australia, and I am generally not a fan of people from Australia, although I did love Muriel's Wedding, but that was really more because of Abba. But I digress. This dude used to date Claire Danes, so he's obviously pretty cool because Claire Danes pretend-dated Jared Leto on My So-Called Life and he rules. But really I like this song because it has cigarettes in the title. I like to picture myself smoking cigarettes while I'm running. You know, picturing your happy place and all makes you run faster, right?
3) Dancing Queen by: ABBA
Explanation: ABBA is by far the best band of all-time, and Dancing Queen is by far their best song. I once went on a family vacation where all we brought was a case of vodka, 2 cartons of smokes, and the ABBA Gold CD. True Story. Best vacation every, BTW. Oh and needless to say we brought Yahtzee. Yahtzee is to games as ABBA is to music. That's an analogy. Like on the SAT. Sorry I just made you learn.
2) Crazy in Love by: Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z
Explanation: when this song plays while I run I pretend all my flab jiggling is actually an on purpose shimmy like Beyonce. My flabs got my lookin' so crazy right now.
1) 99 Problems by: Jay-Z
Explanation: As if it's needed! I got 99 problems and running is #1. Seriously though, I like to think about all my problems while I am running and listening to this. I'm from the 'hood, stupid, what kinda facts are those? Seriously, I can run until I get to like my 3rd problem (old, flabby, possibly mentally ill) then I have to take a breather. Yes, I suck.
Hope this inspiring post inspires all of you to "hit the streets" as my Dad likes to say. Bastard.
5.23.2011
Introducing the Jill-jito (Classy Lady RIP)
So I would never completely forsake the classy lady because: a) it is delish, b) it has Coke Z, and c) it has booze (I am not providing a link to this recipe - you know how I feel about laziness). But, I feel that each summer needs a signature drink, so VOILA!!! Along comes the Jill-jito!!! Enjoy my friends.
Ingredients:
Jill's special strawberry basil syrup - okay this isn't really my special syrup. I got the recipe from the WSJ (Remember my Dad? Those who love spreadsheets love the Journal). It was a recipe for homemade popsicles that SD demanded when he saw the picture (don't freak out, it wasn't one of those kooky pencil sketches they usually have, this was the Weekend Journal, aka the WSJ edition that is slightly more fun than colorectal surgery, unlike the weekday edition).
Here's what's in the syrup (Jill-modified)
1 lb strawberries
Juice of 1/2 a lime
2/3 cup sugar
10 basil leaves
Puree that up in the blender, and you've got some delish syrup.
Now, you pour about 2 ounces Cruzan dark rum in a Tervis tumbler (the official tumbler of the HFGBC if you didn't know)
Then, add a generous glunk of the syrup (yes, I measure in glunks, so no one can recreate my awesome recipes, right Rach?)
Then add ice
Then top it off with some handy club soda/Perrier/seltzer water
Enjoy, and you're welcome, Summer 2011.
Ingredients:
Jill's special strawberry basil syrup - okay this isn't really my special syrup. I got the recipe from the WSJ (Remember my Dad? Those who love spreadsheets love the Journal). It was a recipe for homemade popsicles that SD demanded when he saw the picture (don't freak out, it wasn't one of those kooky pencil sketches they usually have, this was the Weekend Journal, aka the WSJ edition that is slightly more fun than colorectal surgery, unlike the weekday edition).
Here's what's in the syrup (Jill-modified)
1 lb strawberries
Juice of 1/2 a lime
2/3 cup sugar
10 basil leaves
Puree that up in the blender, and you've got some delish syrup.
Now, you pour about 2 ounces Cruzan dark rum in a Tervis tumbler (the official tumbler of the HFGBC if you didn't know)
Then, add a generous glunk of the syrup (yes, I measure in glunks, so no one can recreate my awesome recipes, right Rach?)
Then add ice
Then top it off with some handy club soda/Perrier/seltzer water
Enjoy, and you're welcome, Summer 2011.
Cause I told you once, now I told you twice, we gonna light it up like it's DYNAMITE!
Although there is absolutely no topping when my 3-year-old son told me, "mama, you smell like cocktails," I have a few additional, AWESOME, SD quotes to share. Please keep your applause to a minimum.
1) "Moms and dads should not commit an oak tree."
Context: SD and I listen to his kid bible stories CD every day as we go to/from school because I am an awesome mom and am super duper sacrificial and gave up my severe Kidd Kraddick addiction to help my son get his Jesus on. So, the CD has the ten commandments on it, and this is what SD heard. Get it? If not, you probably hate Jesus. PS - enjoy Hell, Jesus-hater.
2)"Mom, how am I supposed to light this club up without any music on?"
Context: as if this is needed...SD's current favorite song is "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz (you may recall the above-mentioned Kidd Kraddick addiction I have subjected my son to for 4 years now). Well, he's in bed the other night and calls for me. I go into his room and his is sitting up in bed with a flashing red disco light (not sure where this came from) and he asks me to turn some music on in his room. When I say no, it's too late, go to sleep, he responds as above. Genius. My kid is an f'ing genius. BTW, he refers to that song as "San Diego" as in "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, San Diego, San Diego!" Did I mention that he's a genius??
1) "Moms and dads should not commit an oak tree."
Context: SD and I listen to his kid bible stories CD every day as we go to/from school because I am an awesome mom and am super duper sacrificial and gave up my severe Kidd Kraddick addiction to help my son get his Jesus on. So, the CD has the ten commandments on it, and this is what SD heard. Get it? If not, you probably hate Jesus. PS - enjoy Hell, Jesus-hater.
2)"Mom, how am I supposed to light this club up without any music on?"
Context: as if this is needed...SD's current favorite song is "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz (you may recall the above-mentioned Kidd Kraddick addiction I have subjected my son to for 4 years now). Well, he's in bed the other night and calls for me. I go into his room and his is sitting up in bed with a flashing red disco light (not sure where this came from) and he asks me to turn some music on in his room. When I say no, it's too late, go to sleep, he responds as above. Genius. My kid is an f'ing genius. BTW, he refers to that song as "San Diego" as in "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, San Diego, San Diego!" Did I mention that he's a genius??
5.05.2011
They Try to Make Me Go to Rehab, and I Said YES YES YES (please).
Okay, so anyone who knows me at all (and all 6 readers of this sweet blog do), knows that I have two main aspirations in life: 1) to go to rehab and 2) to be in a mental institution. These are actually interchangeable, as I think if I got to do one, I wouldn't need to do the other, but I reserve the right to change that sentiment afterwards, depending on the sheer awesomeness of the experience. Here's my brillz logic: rehab/time in a mental institution is like an f'ing paid vacation. Seriously, and law dawgs out there correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they can't even fire you for going to either because you are "sick" and need "help." Now, I'm not mocking the people who are actually crazy (you may recall my mother) or alcoholics/drug addicts (lucky!), I'm just thinking I could use a day or two (or month) off right about now. Now, do not put me in some kind of tough love joint either - I am not going to rehab to learn how to scrub toilets, thank you very much, and I certainly don't cotton to hiking or other "relaxing" activities like yoga either (please). My rehab needs to be something like this: lay around all day, smoking cigarettes and watching my stories, kind of like the mental institution that Winona Ryder went to in Girl, Interrupted. F'ing lucky a$$ girl, interrupted if you ask me. I wouldn't even mind being surrounded by crazies who taunted me for my beauty or sanity or other nonsense. You may recall I went to a full-on ghetto high school, so a few anorexic crazy girls don't scare me none, and guns aren't allowed in rehab, so problem solved. I would even be more than happy to go to "group" and talk about my feelings. Seriously, have I had a feeling that I DIDN'T share? Clearly not an issue. And remember that rehab movie with Sandra Bullock where they did a hilarious play to celebrate one chick getting released from rehab? Doing plays for no reason is obviously awesome and not something you can do when you are at work all day. Now I know you naysayers are out there naysaying something like, "there is no perfect rehab that you speak of, and aren't you actually describing a spa?" To that I retort, "duh, you can't take sick days to go to a spa, hello?" I might even become a confidante to one Miss Lindsay Lohan and I would advise her to live the rest of her life on the full-on opposite tip, as in do the OPPOSITE of whatever you think you should do, because your ideas obviously suck. She'd probably win an Oscar.
You're welcome, Lindsay Lohan. See you at Promises!!
You're welcome, Lindsay Lohan. See you at Promises!!
4.19.2011
Delish Coconut Chicken Tenders
I know this sounds crazy, but these were so awesome!!!!
1 package boneless chicken, but into tenders
1 can coconut milk
2 cups Panko bread crumbs
2 Tbs flour
salt and pepper
Marinate chicken in coconut milk for an hour in a ziploc back in the refridgerator. Preheat oven to 400. Mix panko, flour, salt and pepper. Coat your chicken in the dry mixture and place on a greased cookie sheet. I added another sprinkle of salt.
Bake 20 minutes or until cooked through.
So easy and so yummy!!!
1 package boneless chicken, but into tenders
1 can coconut milk
2 cups Panko bread crumbs
2 Tbs flour
salt and pepper
Marinate chicken in coconut milk for an hour in a ziploc back in the refridgerator. Preheat oven to 400. Mix panko, flour, salt and pepper. Coat your chicken in the dry mixture and place on a greased cookie sheet. I added another sprinkle of salt.
Bake 20 minutes or until cooked through.
So easy and so yummy!!!
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